Where were you that day?

16 years ago today it was just like any other day.... Until it became the day that would be etched into our memories for as long as we live. It was Tuesday, September 11th, 2001. My family and I were doing our newspaper routes like we had done many times before. After we had finished our routes we had gotten into the car so Dad could take us home. On the AM radio it was announced that a helicopter had hit one of the North World Trade Center Tower, how that would become so far worse later on that day.

We came home, Dad woke up Mom and told her what the radio had said. Hearing that, she quickly got out of bed and went to the TV to hear about the breaking news. It was so shocking even for an 11 year old because the Towers had been such iconic landmarks. They were the buildings that could never be touched.... We were wrong.

My sister and I were getting ready for school when we heard our mom say something. I came out to see what was going on when she said, "a plane hit the South Tower". At the point in time, we all knew it was not an accident. 

Our parents did what they thought was best and have us go to school where the day would continue to be as normal as it could be. I had asked my parents years later why they had us go to school even though we were scared. They said, "we didn't want you guys to live in fear. That is exactly what terrorists want, they want to terrorize you". Unfortunately, they didn't know that our teachers would also be watching the news wondering what was going on in our country. 

For the remainder of that day, our focus was on the news and seeing all the horrors unraveling. And that night, most families sat together around the TV to watch our President telling us that we would not live in fear. Days, weeks, and even months later our country was showing more love and unity towards each other than we had seen for years. 

What we must remember most about that day is that we never know when our time on this earth will be up. Our greatest gift we can give them is love.

"Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a Power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me.

This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.

Thank you. Good night. And God bless America." ~President George W. Bush 9/11 Address to the Nation

The best grieving advice my mother could have given me.

I remember 16 years ago the days, weeks, and even months after my grandma Porter passed away and in that split second my mother changed. She didn't change in a bad way, just different... I think she looked at the world differently after her own Mama passed away.

Mom and I had our disagreements like every mother and daughter have, but mostly we had these deep discussions and conversations. Most of them will never be shared, but will forever be etched into my heart. Our favorite place to share these discussions was in the kitchen,

where we would do the dishes. Mom would clean the dishes and I would be the runner to get all of the dishes dried and put away. Our conversations were never forced, she knew if I wanted to talk, that I would and with it being my mom I usually wanted to talk.

I remember this conversation so vividly. It was about 5 years after her mom passed away and it was her mom's birthday that day. As we were washing the dishes, I saw a tear fall down my mom's cheek. My mother was a very strong person in every single way so for her to cry, I knew her heart was breaking.
"Mom, don't cry... Talk to me."
"Oh it's nothing Bug, I just miss Grandma."
"I know you do, Mom.. We all do. I don't know how you do it some days. I would be devastated if I ever lost you. " hugging her close at this point. And then the words that she said, I have had to use this in my own life now.
" I miss her every single day. Their is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. The days I feel like I miss her most, I cry for about 5 minutes and then I wipe away my tears and get back to life because that's what she would want me to do."
Most days now I don't wake up crying out for my mom. Don't get me wrong I miss her like crazy and she is always in my heart and in my mind. But the hollowing feeling I had when she had first past has subsided. But on the days where I just think, I can't go another day without my mom here, I remember her words.
So yes mom, their will still be the days that I'll cry because I miss you so. But, I'll also make it a quick cry, and carry on with my day because I know that's what you would want. 

The Future is Female

This past Sunday BBC made an announcement for all of us Whovians.... 

They released the name of the actor who is going to be playing the next Doctor on Doctor Who after Wimbledon. While most people were watching the match,  I was glued to my phone screen waiting for any new updates. When it finally popped up it said, "13th Doctor will be portrayed by Jodie Whittaker".  

Most of us nerds go through the stages of grief when we know that a new Doctor will be coming to the show. We are sad, in denial, and begging for our favorites to return even if it is just for one more episode. However, with this announcement, I kid you not I screamed! I was thrilled to see how they will transition the doctor into this next regeneration. 

What I didn't think would happen would be the backlash and the way people were unhappy to see a female playing the doctor. Yes, the past 50 years or so, the doctor has been played by a man, and it has been great seeing how each one of them has put their own twist on the character. 

So what that she is a female? I have done my research, and as a true fan, they have said in past years that the Doctor could regenerate into a male or female. They have just never done it until now. Is it a publicity stunt for the show to get more viewers? Maybe... But if it changes my female students' minds, and shows them that they can be the hero instead of just an assistant, then that's what I want, and I am happy to support it. 

I can't wait to see what this upcoming season will hold, and you better believe that I am cosplaying as the 13th Doctor and the next Con!

How time flies when you work....

While I was at one of my part-time jobs today. A co-worker asked me just out of the blue, "how long have you been working here"? I had to think about the day and went oh wow! It's been 3 years today! I work two part-time jobs and sometimes I wonder how I even do it. Sometimes with two part time jobs for an autistic person can be quite challenging. It feels like you're never getting a break and sometimes you just need to shut down but realize that you can't. And sometimes, that just sucks. I wonder if anyone from my childhood who knew that I was autistic ever thought that I could ever hold down to part-time jobs for as long as I have. I remember when I was 16 my longest job I had had was 6 months and that was so hard because balancing school and and work was just so challenging for me back then. I guess with being autistic you kind of learn to change and you learn to cope with certain situations. As an adult you can't just stop making money and stop paying your bills you have to keep going so you do whatever you need to do to make things work. Having two part-time jobs isn't the biggest thing I could be doing with my life but I'm going in the right direction and I'm quite proud of myself for it. Hopefully in the next few years maybe I won't have to have two part-time jobs and I can have a full time job as being a teacher. Can't wait for that day to come!

Accio Escape

It has been 20 years since the first Harry Potter book came out. Yet some days it feels like it was just one year ago. JK Rowling is a phenomenal author!! What words can I say to this amazing author?

 I would say thank you for creating this beautiful magical world that I could escape to when life was just too hard. Thanks for creating three best friends that were always around when I felt the loneliest. Thanks for creating these magical adventures that I can go on and feel like I was the most important person in the book. These series are the books that made me want to start reading. I owe JK Rowling and her inspiration for me wanting to read more. So in 7 books, 198 chapters, 4224 pages, 8 movies I have created so many memories. 

So thank you JK, for letting us into your magical world.

Sincerely,
the girl patiently waiting for her Hogwarts letter.

I Can Learn to Love Myself

Sorry guys that it's been a long time since my last blog post. Unfortunately, I've been on the journey to learn to love myself again. If you're curious as to why I'm on this journey to love myself again, here's the long story.

At the beginning of this year, I started having really bad stomach pains. I wrote this off as some kind of virus or something. I refused to go to the doctor for a few months, and obviously that wasn't the best decision. By the time I finally went to the doctor, I was in a great amount of pain. He couldn't really figure out what the problem was so he had me go get some tests done at the hospital.

After several weeks, many tests, and different results, I found out my results in an unusual way. I was sitting in the surgeon's waiting room and got a call from the Instacare doctor that I had seen and he was hesitant to tell me my results over the phone. He finally just blabbed that not only did I need my gallbladder taken out, but the main source of my pain was coming from a huge ovarian cyst that was pushing on my internal organs.

When I had my consultation with the surgeon, I was told that he might need to remove one of my ovaries. As soon as we heard that, instantly my Dad cried and I went into a state of shock.

I was a twenty-six-year-old overall healthy woman, how was this happening to me? I felt like the floor had been moved from underneath me and I didn't know where to look next. In the following days after I received the results, I was walking in a haze - not knowing if I was going to just burst into tears and not because I hadn't cried yet.

By the time surgery day came around, I was in complete agony. That morning, I got a call from the surgeon's office calling me to come into the hospital a couple of hours earlier because they had a cancelation.
Dad, Holly, and I gathered the things I needed for the hospital stay and rushed to the hospital. Can I just say it takes forever to get ready for surgery? With all of the paperwork, and blood samples, and questionnaires they have to give you, I thought that my cyst was going to burst before I was actually going to get the surgery. At this time the  anesthesiologist came and got me, I hugged my family at this time and was wheeled into surgery. I joked with the anesthesiologist about where the gallbladder is (good coping mechanism for me when I am nervous), and just went to sleep.

The next thing that I remember is waking up in the recovery room almost in a panic while the nurses were trying to reassure me. The other thought in my head was, what have they done to me? My whole abdomen feels like it is on fire, I thought they were just cutting me open and removing things, not trying to brand me. They must have given me some kind of meds after that because I was just delirious after that and couldn't even lift my head up.

After about an hour in the recovery room I was wheeled to my room. My dad, Holly, and my Grandma and Grandpa Sagers were all in the room. After I got into the room, I don't remember much after that besides they kept laughing (I guess I am pretty funny on pain pills).

It was the day after that was the beginning of my recovery. Within 20 hours of having surgery, I had to learn to lean up and sit up in bed. You think it's easy getting out of bed right? Try getting out of bed without trying to move a stomach muscle, it's pretty hard.

Days and even weeks I had to learn to accept my family's help for even the smallest favors. It has been a hard pill to swallow asking people for help.

The other thing I have to learn is to accept what my body now looks like. Sure, I have lost quite a bit of weight and come on, what person does not like to hear they have lost weight. I have always been a chunky girl and I am confident with my body being this way. What I am not confident in yet is the 11 inch scar I have going down my abdomen.

It's not just the scar and the constant reminder of what I have gone through that has been messing with my mind. Not being able to recover as quickly and jumping back to pre operation is what has me hung up. I want to be able to do everything before the surgery, even the simple of not feeling like a tight rubber band.

And yet, their is something in the back of my mind that tells me to look on the bright side. This situation could of turned out a lot worse, "it could have been cancerous"  Holly says to help me look at the positive side. It could have burst, or it could of been a cyst growing on a vital organ and been harder to remove.

I also have to remind myself that this is another thing that I have survived. Everyone has scars, some visible but most are not. This is just a scar that shows that I am a survivor and fighter in this way. And with that, I can love myself again.

Here is a great quote that I have come to love...