It's been my saving grace.

If you really know me, you know that I love Harry Potter! As soon as HBO Max released Return to Hogwarts, I was streaming this documentary. I have been in love with the Harry Potter franchise for so long and it's a part of who I am. I have had people in passing and even in my social circle who look at me and probably wonder why I still love something "childish". Harry Potter isn't just a part of me, it's been my saving grace.
20 years ago I was in 5th grade and not being the best student that I could have been. I couldn't read very well and was very self conscious about reading out loud in front of people. That really started having an impact on my self esteem, and I know that my mom started seeing that as well. 
One evening we sat down as a family to watch some TV and a commercial came on (way before you could skip the commercials), about a boy talking about magic and going to a school for witchcraft and wizardry. Watching that commercial, it instantly caught my interest. After seeing that commercial, I told mom that I wanted to go see that movie. She had seen that it was an adaptation of a children's book and she used that to her advantage. She made a deal with me, if I read the book and was able to tell her about it, she agreed to take me to the movie on opening night. Needless to say I read the book, went to the opening night show and the rest has been history.
So why do like like Harry Potter so much? Easy, it changed my life.
I went from a child who never read to an avid bookworm. I even have continued my love of reading to teaching my students how to read. When life got too hard at times, Hogwarts was my escape from reality, it was my safe space. When my mom got sick and had to be put in a nursing home, I read continually so I could learn how to deal with it. And then when mom died, I read the chapters again about a boy who knew what it felt like to lose a parent. 
I was a lonely, dorky, sad and awkward little girl who only ever truly felt at home while escaping to Hogwarts and I can’t even explain in words how many emotions I got visiting it again. Thank you to the characters of the books who were my friends when I needed you most. I missed you dearly.

                                                                After all this time?

                                                                        Always

roller-coaster of grief

https://youtu.be/BaKwRXMoL1Q

Grief for me is like this big roller coaster. Most of the days I'm climbing up the tracks and everything is going well and I deal with my mom not being here. And then there are days like today that grief sends you barreling down the tracks and you find yourself crying for your mom in the parking lot of your job. There are days where I laugh about the silliest things her and I would do. And then there are days like today where I dream of her and I just want to go back to that dream and sleep forever.

Most days I'm okay, but today I'm not.

And that's okay.

"A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved"

30 things I learned before turning 30

1. Not everyone is going to agree with you, and that's okay.
2. Love your parents while you are both young.
3. Don't wish your life away.
4. Go on adventures even if it means you do it alone.
5. Your mom could easily be your best friend, so take care of her.
6. You sibling(s) really do have your back.
7. Family isn't just blood, it's people you choose.
8. Find and discover your authentic self, and then live proudly.
9. People are going to be mean, but don't let it turn you bitter.
10. Life is not easy, and it's meant to be that way.
11. Make your mistakes now while you are young.
12. You're not going to have your shit all together. Sorry that's just the facts. And the people who look like they have their life together are lying.
13. Sacrificing yourself never works out.
14. Life is going to teach you almost more than school did.
15. When something doesn't feel right, go left.
16. Life is constantly changing, so change with it.
17. Living your truth and your integrity are your most valuable assets.
18. Life is uncomfortable sometimes - life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
19. Own your life - and take ownership of it.
20. Don't look for validation from others for doing the right thing.
21. Don't seek revenge - you'll never feel good about yourself.
22. Focus on the good thing sin life and not the bad - the good things in life are what make it worth living.
23. It's never too late to dream.
24. Fall in love, and if that doesn't work try to love again, because the 2nd time might just be the charm.
25. Fuck what people think of you! You're a great person!
26. Write down everything and take as many photos as you can.
27. Read as much as you can - explore your own imagination.
28. People don't live forever, and we're not supposed to, but don't hang on to the anger from it, hold on to the love you have for that person.
29. Always fight for what you are passionate about.
30. If life is getting too serious, make it fun again. Do a 30 second dance party, or bust out a music number.

Bi Visiblity Day!

Today (September 23rd) is known as Bisexual Visibility Day. And I could not let this day end without talking about it. While walking down the street with the haircut I have and the clothes I wear most people would assume that I am a lesbian. That's cool and all, but why do we have to assume instead of asking the person? I have had people both inside of the LGBTQ+ community and outside of it make jokes or saying that I am "half gay" so aggravating!

So on this post I have gathered the most frequently asked questions people have asked me since I have been out, and hopefully, this will educate people about a person who is Bisexual.


Q: What does being “bisexual” mean?

Like most identities, being “bisexual” or “bi” can mean different things to different people. The conventional definition of being “bisexual” is to be sexually attracted to both men and women. Some folks use “bisexual” as an umbrella term to describe being attracted to people beyond one gender.


Q: Are you attracted to women or men more? Or is it 50/50?

On sunny days, women. On rainy days, men. Just kidding. It depends on the person I meet. Duh, people. Look at this handy chart below.




Q: What’s the difference between “bisexual” and “queer?”

“Queer” is often described as an umbrella term, but again, it means different things to different people. For me, it means being outside of the heterosexist norm — I also see it as a movement, a community, with a hint of radical flavor and a heavy dose of fearlessness. I most often like to identify as “bisexual,” not because I believe there are only two genders, but because I think bisexual invisibility/erasure is all too real. I like to claim the identity to increase visibility for folks who don’t fit into the L/G categories and to take up space. So if I'm at a gay pride event I am more likely to say that I am queer, then the questions just end there.


Q: How about “pansexual?”

I got asked this question by my sister just after I came out. I tried to use that word just a few times and that identity name just didn't sit with me. Bisexual just felt like the right box for me.


Q: When did you know you were bi/queer?

I didn't have the vocabulary to even know what Bisexual really was until I went to high school and a friend of mine came out as Bisexual. But now that I have been out for a few years and I am more mature I can see when certain events that I could have caught on faster about my sexuality. I was 13 when I was bi-curious but had no idea what I was feeling, and growing up in a very religious community I thought of myself as sinful. By the time I was 16 I for sure knew that I was Bisexual but I was never going to tell anybody... 9 years later, totally did and it was the best thing I could have done for myself


Q: Is being bisexual just a phase people go through until they decide to be gay or lesbian?


No! People thinking this is just a “phase” is deeply hurtful. It denies my desire that spans multiple gender identities and makes me feel like I am not a whole person. It’s as if someone is telling me I’m still “figuring it out,” when actually, I have it figured out! Saying bisexuality is not a real identity or calling bisexuals “fence-sitters” is offensive and invalidates a big part of who I am and who I’ve always been.


Q: When do you bring it up when you are dating someone?


Depends on the person. It’s usually something that comes up or I bring up on the first 1–2 dates. I’ve ended dates after learning the other person is not comfortable with me being bi/queer. I’ve also ended dates after hearing biphobic remarks (“oh that’s hot” is amongst my favorites. NOT).


Q: Are you a lesbian now that you’re dating a woman?

Nope, still bisexual and that won't ever change.


Q: What are some examples of biphobia?



Believing bisexuality isn’t a legitimate identity (e.g., “it’s a phase” “he’s actually gay” “you can’t be a fence-sitter. Choose!”)
Assuming someone’s identity based on sexual or dating history, or current partner’s gender/sex
Calling bisexuals “allies” to the LGBT community
Assuming everyone is either gay or straight
Believing bisexual people are confused or trying to “decide”
Erasing bisexual people from the broader LGBTQ movement and struggles
Thinking bisexual people are “half-oppressed” or have it “easier” than lesbian and gay people
Sexualizing bi women or thinking bi women are seeking attention from men
Telling bisexuals that we have “double the options” — no, we don’t
Not dating bisexual people because you think they’re going to leave for another gender; thinking bisexual people can’t be monogamous
Thinking bisexual people are attracted to everyone
Assuming all bisexual people want threesomes. GAH!

The pride pulsing in me.

In June 2016, I had just gone to my first big gay pride. I was just taking the first steps into coming out; my friends new but my extended family didn't. I knew intolerance toward the LGBTQ+ community existed and I was aware of the history of criminalization of and violence toward the community, but I had never really faced it. I was living in a bubble where I didn’t see any threat to my wellbeing when I walked down the street or rode public transportation or went about my normal, daily life. I came out in a time when I could see the White House lit up in rainbow colors for pride, and when same-sex marriage was legal throughout the country. I took being able to be out and proud of who I was for granted. I didn’t understand what Pride meant beyond being a chance to party and I didn’t appreciate all of the activists that spent their lives fighting- and sometimes dying- to gain the rights and acceptance I enjoyed without thinking twice about. Being gay was an interesting personality trait that meant I could put rainbows everywhere just for fun. Pulse changed all of that.

Pulse was the first time I felt threatened because of who I am. It made me want to run back into the safety of the closet and slam the door. Suddenly, I didn’t feel safe walking down the street or riding public transportation or going about my normal life. The feelings of paranoia and fear that thousands of LGBTQ+ people had lived with for hundreds of years finally landed upon my shoulders, violently bursting my Utopian bubble, seemingly crushing me. I wondered if I was safe, if I was next, if I could put rainbows everywhere for fun without also putting a target on my back. Looking back, I know I was a little more paranoid than I should have been, but could you blame me? Pulse wasn’t just a wake up call that burst my bubble. It wasn’t just an incident of harassment on the streets of Salt Lake City I would face two years later when a man would scream at me from across the street to tell me he doesn’t want any faggots in his neighborhood, and that faggots should be tied up and dragged behind a pickup truck - this wake up call was brutal, violent, and deadly. Extreme. To go from rainbows and happiness one day to waking up the next and seeing 49 people had been murdered for being gay was a lot. From that day forward, my life as a gay person in America was no longer rainbows and happiness. My life instantly became constantly looking over my shoulder when I was holding my girlfriend’s hand, carrying keys between my knuckles as I walked alone, and an acute awareness of the people who were around me and what they were doing.
In my memory, Pulse is not just a horrific hate crime against a community. Pulse is the first horrific hate crime against my community that I can remember. It showed me what I would have to spend my life fighting against. It taught me what it means to be a proudly out gay person- that being out is an act of bravery, of protest, of risk. It left me with constant fear, where even on the best days, I wait to hear shots being fired or a bomb going off as I walk down the confetti-covered streets of Salt Lake City after the Pride Parade. But it did not leave me with only fear. It has also been a source of inspiration. To allow it to only fill us with fear and never challenge that fear would be a disservice to those who died that day. It has inspired me to continue living with pride as an act of protest, to study and appreciate the lives dedicated and lost to the fight for equal rights, and to continue that very fight.
The Pulse Massacre was important, but not in the obvious ways. In my memory, it was the first time the fight for equal rights became about life and death. It redefined what it meant to be gay and it inspired, and continues to inspire me. Pulse was not just a tragedy; Pulse helped to define who I am. That’s how I remember the victims, not just today, but every day.

Dear Utah

My coworker has been having our students write about a place that has a special place in their hearts and I decided to write mine down so here it goes...

Dear Utah,

From being a little kid going ice fishing with my grandpa at Mantua Lake to being an adult and going on random drives through Ogden Canyon, I fell in love with you. I didn't pick this place to live. My parents did almost 35 years ago through what I would say is a beautiful love story and they made this my home.
If people ever ask me what I love most about you, I always say the mountains. Everyday for the past 28 years I leave my house I look at the mountains and I am just in awe of what the seasons do to them. With Spring having the crisp green leaves to Summer and seeing the waterfall on it to Autumn seeing your leaves change again to Winter and seeing the white snow up on Ben Lomond .
Most of my memories are here in this place and they are both happy and sad. This where I crashed my bicycle and skinned my elbows and mom picking me up and holding me and saying it was oka,y to where I said my final goodbye to her.
When I think of her I think of you.
You have given me a lot of emotions over the years. I have found peace, I have found grief and pain, I found acceptance, and I have also found love. Generations of my family have lived here inside this beautiful state that I call home and I can't wait to raise the next-generation here.
There's not another place I would rather live so not only do you have my heart Utah you have my soul.
And with all this said I want say thanks and I can't wait to keep making memories with you in them for the rest of my life.

Sincerely, Ashley

3 years of pride

It's been exactly three years today since I decided to tell my big secret. I started telling people that I am bisexual. Or what I really just say is... "Hi my name is Ashley and I happen to be gay!"  I never thought I would ever tell anyone my secret, until one day in a college communications classroom our  Professor asked us all a simple question, "does anyone know the real you?"  I stopped and thought to myself  "No.  No one knows the real me." I was burying it so deep down inside of me that just a few weeks earlier, on my 25th birthday,  I remember staring at my birthday cake and thinking to myself "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep living with this secret anymore - it is literally killing me inside." I had one of two choices to make, either I was going to start telling people who I really was, or I had to end it all and end my suffering. I remember looking at my family members around that birthday cake as they were singing to me and thinking "I can't end my life, they would all wonder why Ashley gave up on life." I knew that I was a strong person, I was Stronger than my own fears that were weighing against me. I knew I had to be a person that I could be proud of. I knew there was a possibility of breaking my family's heart but I had to take that chance. I had to do what was best for me and to live my authentic life.
I have finally been able to look into a mirror and say yes I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I am and I see a girl that is worth while. My reflection is now who I am inside

.