Dear Utah

My coworker has been having our students write about a place that has a special place in their hearts and I decided to write mine down so here it goes...

Dear Utah,

From being a little kid going ice fishing with my grandpa at Mantua Lake to being an adult and going on random drives through Ogden Canyon, I fell in love with you. I didn't pick this place to live. My parents did almost 35 years ago through what I would say is a beautiful love story and they made this my home.
If people ever ask me what I love most about you, I always say the mountains. Everyday for the past 28 years I leave my house I look at the mountains and I am just in awe of what the seasons do to them. With Spring having the crisp green leaves to Summer and seeing the waterfall on it to Autumn seeing your leaves change again to Winter and seeing the white snow up on Ben Lomond .
Most of my memories are here in this place and they are both happy and sad. This where I crashed my bicycle and skinned my elbows and mom picking me up and holding me and saying it was oka,y to where I said my final goodbye to her.
When I think of her I think of you.
You have given me a lot of emotions over the years. I have found peace, I have found grief and pain, I found acceptance, and I have also found love. Generations of my family have lived here inside this beautiful state that I call home and I can't wait to raise the next-generation here.
There's not another place I would rather live so not only do you have my heart Utah you have my soul.
And with all this said I want say thanks and I can't wait to keep making memories with you in them for the rest of my life.

Sincerely, Ashley

3 years of pride

It's been exactly three years today since I decided to tell my big secret. I started telling people that I am bisexual. Or what I really just say is... "Hi my name is Ashley and I happen to be gay!"  I never thought I would ever tell anyone my secret, until one day in a college communications classroom our  Professor asked us all a simple question, "does anyone know the real you?"  I stopped and thought to myself  "No.  No one knows the real me." I was burying it so deep down inside of me that just a few weeks earlier, on my 25th birthday,  I remember staring at my birthday cake and thinking to myself "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep living with this secret anymore - it is literally killing me inside." I had one of two choices to make, either I was going to start telling people who I really was, or I had to end it all and end my suffering. I remember looking at my family members around that birthday cake as they were singing to me and thinking "I can't end my life, they would all wonder why Ashley gave up on life." I knew that I was a strong person, I was Stronger than my own fears that were weighing against me. I knew I had to be a person that I could be proud of. I knew there was a possibility of breaking my family's heart but I had to take that chance. I had to do what was best for me and to live my authentic life.
I have finally been able to look into a mirror and say yes I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I am and I see a girl that is worth while. My reflection is now who I am inside

.

Where were you that day?

16 years ago today it was just like any other day.... Until it became the day that would be etched into our memories for as long as we live. It was Tuesday, September 11th, 2001. My family and I were doing our newspaper routes like we had done many times before. After we had finished our routes we had gotten into the car so Dad could take us home. On the AM radio it was announced that a helicopter had hit one of the North World Trade Center Tower, how that would become so far worse later on that day.

We came home, Dad woke up Mom and told her what the radio had said. Hearing that, she quickly got out of bed and went to the TV to hear about the breaking news. It was so shocking even for an 11 year old because the Towers had been such iconic landmarks. They were the buildings that could never be touched.... We were wrong.

My sister and I were getting ready for school when we heard our mom say something. I came out to see what was going on when she said, "a plane hit the South Tower". At the point in time, we all knew it was not an accident. 

Our parents did what they thought was best and have us go to school where the day would continue to be as normal as it could be. I had asked my parents years later why they had us go to school even though we were scared. They said, "we didn't want you guys to live in fear. That is exactly what terrorists want, they want to terrorize you". Unfortunately, they didn't know that our teachers would also be watching the news wondering what was going on in our country. 

For the remainder of that day, our focus was on the news and seeing all the horrors unraveling. And that night, most families sat together around the TV to watch our President telling us that we would not live in fear. Days, weeks, and even months later our country was showing more love and unity towards each other than we had seen for years. 

What we must remember most about that day is that we never know when our time on this earth will be up. Our greatest gift we can give them is love.

"Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a Power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me.

This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.

Thank you. Good night. And God bless America." ~President George W. Bush 9/11 Address to the Nation

The best grieving advice my mother could have given me.

I remember 16 years ago the days, weeks, and even months after my grandma Porter passed away and in that split second my mother changed. She didn't change in a bad way, just different... I think she looked at the world differently after her own Mama passed away.

Mom and I had our disagreements like every mother and daughter have, but mostly we had these deep discussions and conversations. Most of them will never be shared, but will forever be etched into my heart. Our favorite place to share these discussions was in the kitchen,

where we would do the dishes. Mom would clean the dishes and I would be the runner to get all of the dishes dried and put away. Our conversations were never forced, she knew if I wanted to talk, that I would and with it being my mom I usually wanted to talk.

I remember this conversation so vividly. It was about 5 years after her mom passed away and it was her mom's birthday that day. As we were washing the dishes, I saw a tear fall down my mom's cheek. My mother was a very strong person in every single way so for her to cry, I knew her heart was breaking.
"Mom, don't cry... Talk to me."
"Oh it's nothing Bug, I just miss Grandma."
"I know you do, Mom.. We all do. I don't know how you do it some days. I would be devastated if I ever lost you. " hugging her close at this point. And then the words that she said, I have had to use this in my own life now.
" I miss her every single day. Their is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. The days I feel like I miss her most, I cry for about 5 minutes and then I wipe away my tears and get back to life because that's what she would want me to do."
Most days now I don't wake up crying out for my mom. Don't get me wrong I miss her like crazy and she is always in my heart and in my mind. But the hollowing feeling I had when she had first past has subsided. But on the days where I just think, I can't go another day without my mom here, I remember her words.
So yes mom, their will still be the days that I'll cry because I miss you so. But, I'll also make it a quick cry, and carry on with my day because I know that's what you would want. 

The Future is Female

This past Sunday BBC made an announcement for all of us Whovians.... 

They released the name of the actor who is going to be playing the next Doctor on Doctor Who after Wimbledon. While most people were watching the match,  I was glued to my phone screen waiting for any new updates. When it finally popped up it said, "13th Doctor will be portrayed by Jodie Whittaker".  

Most of us nerds go through the stages of grief when we know that a new Doctor will be coming to the show. We are sad, in denial, and begging for our favorites to return even if it is just for one more episode. However, with this announcement, I kid you not I screamed! I was thrilled to see how they will transition the doctor into this next regeneration. 

What I didn't think would happen would be the backlash and the way people were unhappy to see a female playing the doctor. Yes, the past 50 years or so, the doctor has been played by a man, and it has been great seeing how each one of them has put their own twist on the character. 

So what that she is a female? I have done my research, and as a true fan, they have said in past years that the Doctor could regenerate into a male or female. They have just never done it until now. Is it a publicity stunt for the show to get more viewers? Maybe... But if it changes my female students' minds, and shows them that they can be the hero instead of just an assistant, then that's what I want, and I am happy to support it. 

I can't wait to see what this upcoming season will hold, and you better believe that I am cosplaying as the 13th Doctor and the next Con!

How time flies when you work....

While I was at one of my part-time jobs today. A co-worker asked me just out of the blue, "how long have you been working here"? I had to think about the day and went oh wow! It's been 3 years today! I work two part-time jobs and sometimes I wonder how I even do it. Sometimes with two part time jobs for an autistic person can be quite challenging. It feels like you're never getting a break and sometimes you just need to shut down but realize that you can't. And sometimes, that just sucks. I wonder if anyone from my childhood who knew that I was autistic ever thought that I could ever hold down to part-time jobs for as long as I have. I remember when I was 16 my longest job I had had was 6 months and that was so hard because balancing school and and work was just so challenging for me back then. I guess with being autistic you kind of learn to change and you learn to cope with certain situations. As an adult you can't just stop making money and stop paying your bills you have to keep going so you do whatever you need to do to make things work. Having two part-time jobs isn't the biggest thing I could be doing with my life but I'm going in the right direction and I'm quite proud of myself for it. Hopefully in the next few years maybe I won't have to have two part-time jobs and I can have a full time job as being a teacher. Can't wait for that day to come!

Accio Escape

It has been 20 years since the first Harry Potter book came out. Yet some days it feels like it was just one year ago. JK Rowling is a phenomenal author!! What words can I say to this amazing author?

 I would say thank you for creating this beautiful magical world that I could escape to when life was just too hard. Thanks for creating three best friends that were always around when I felt the loneliest. Thanks for creating these magical adventures that I can go on and feel like I was the most important person in the book. These series are the books that made me want to start reading. I owe JK Rowling and her inspiration for me wanting to read more. So in 7 books, 198 chapters, 4224 pages, 8 movies I have created so many memories. 

So thank you JK, for letting us into your magical world.

Sincerely,
the girl patiently waiting for her Hogwarts letter.