The best grieving advice my mother could have given me.

I remember 16 years ago the days, weeks, and even months after my grandma Porter passed away and in that split second my mother changed. She didn't change in a bad way, just different... I think she looked at the world differently after her own Mama passed away.

Mom and I had our disagreements like every mother and daughter have, but mostly we had these deep discussions and conversations. Most of them will never be shared, but will forever be etched into my heart. Our favorite place to share these discussions was in the kitchen,

where we would do the dishes. Mom would clean the dishes and I would be the runner to get all of the dishes dried and put away. Our conversations were never forced, she knew if I wanted to talk, that I would and with it being my mom I usually wanted to talk.

I remember this conversation so vividly. It was about 5 years after her mom passed away and it was her mom's birthday that day. As we were washing the dishes, I saw a tear fall down my mom's cheek. My mother was a very strong person in every single way so for her to cry, I knew her heart was breaking.
"Mom, don't cry... Talk to me."
"Oh it's nothing Bug, I just miss Grandma."
"I know you do, Mom.. We all do. I don't know how you do it some days. I would be devastated if I ever lost you. " hugging her close at this point. And then the words that she said, I have had to use this in my own life now.
" I miss her every single day. Their is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. The days I feel like I miss her most, I cry for about 5 minutes and then I wipe away my tears and get back to life because that's what she would want me to do."
Most days now I don't wake up crying out for my mom. Don't get me wrong I miss her like crazy and she is always in my heart and in my mind. But the hollowing feeling I had when she had first past has subsided. But on the days where I just think, I can't go another day without my mom here, I remember her words.
So yes mom, their will still be the days that I'll cry because I miss you so. But, I'll also make it a quick cry, and carry on with my day because I know that's what you would want. 

The Future is Female

This past Sunday BBC made an announcement for all of us Whovians.... 

They released the name of the actor who is going to be playing the next Doctor on Doctor Who after Wimbledon. While most people were watching the match,  I was glued to my phone screen waiting for any new updates. When it finally popped up it said, "13th Doctor will be portrayed by Jodie Whittaker".  

Most of us nerds go through the stages of grief when we know that a new Doctor will be coming to the show. We are sad, in denial, and begging for our favorites to return even if it is just for one more episode. However, with this announcement, I kid you not I screamed! I was thrilled to see how they will transition the doctor into this next regeneration. 

What I didn't think would happen would be the backlash and the way people were unhappy to see a female playing the doctor. Yes, the past 50 years or so, the doctor has been played by a man, and it has been great seeing how each one of them has put their own twist on the character. 

So what that she is a female? I have done my research, and as a true fan, they have said in past years that the Doctor could regenerate into a male or female. They have just never done it until now. Is it a publicity stunt for the show to get more viewers? Maybe... But if it changes my female students' minds, and shows them that they can be the hero instead of just an assistant, then that's what I want, and I am happy to support it. 

I can't wait to see what this upcoming season will hold, and you better believe that I am cosplaying as the 13th Doctor and the next Con!

How time flies when you work....

While I was at one of my part-time jobs today. A co-worker asked me just out of the blue, "how long have you been working here"? I had to think about the day and went oh wow! It's been 3 years today! I work two part-time jobs and sometimes I wonder how I even do it. Sometimes with two part time jobs for an autistic person can be quite challenging. It feels like you're never getting a break and sometimes you just need to shut down but realize that you can't. And sometimes, that just sucks. I wonder if anyone from my childhood who knew that I was autistic ever thought that I could ever hold down to part-time jobs for as long as I have. I remember when I was 16 my longest job I had had was 6 months and that was so hard because balancing school and and work was just so challenging for me back then. I guess with being autistic you kind of learn to change and you learn to cope with certain situations. As an adult you can't just stop making money and stop paying your bills you have to keep going so you do whatever you need to do to make things work. Having two part-time jobs isn't the biggest thing I could be doing with my life but I'm going in the right direction and I'm quite proud of myself for it. Hopefully in the next few years maybe I won't have to have two part-time jobs and I can have a full time job as being a teacher. Can't wait for that day to come!

Accio Escape

It has been 20 years since the first Harry Potter book came out. Yet some days it feels like it was just one year ago. JK Rowling is a phenomenal author!! What words can I say to this amazing author?

 I would say thank you for creating this beautiful magical world that I could escape to when life was just too hard. Thanks for creating three best friends that were always around when I felt the loneliest. Thanks for creating these magical adventures that I can go on and feel like I was the most important person in the book. These series are the books that made me want to start reading. I owe JK Rowling and her inspiration for me wanting to read more. So in 7 books, 198 chapters, 4224 pages, 8 movies I have created so many memories. 

So thank you JK, for letting us into your magical world.

Sincerely,
the girl patiently waiting for her Hogwarts letter.

I Can Learn to Love Myself

Sorry guys that it's been a long time since my last blog post. Unfortunately, I've been on the journey to learn to love myself again. If you're curious as to why I'm on this journey to love myself again, here's the long story.

At the beginning of this year, I started having really bad stomach pains. I wrote this off as some kind of virus or something. I refused to go to the doctor for a few months, and obviously that wasn't the best decision. By the time I finally went to the doctor, I was in a great amount of pain. He couldn't really figure out what the problem was so he had me go get some tests done at the hospital.

After several weeks, many tests, and different results, I found out my results in an unusual way. I was sitting in the surgeon's waiting room and got a call from the Instacare doctor that I had seen and he was hesitant to tell me my results over the phone. He finally just blabbed that not only did I need my gallbladder taken out, but the main source of my pain was coming from a huge ovarian cyst that was pushing on my internal organs.

When I had my consultation with the surgeon, I was told that he might need to remove one of my ovaries. As soon as we heard that, instantly my Dad cried and I went into a state of shock.

I was a twenty-six-year-old overall healthy woman, how was this happening to me? I felt like the floor had been moved from underneath me and I didn't know where to look next. In the following days after I received the results, I was walking in a haze - not knowing if I was going to just burst into tears and not because I hadn't cried yet.

By the time surgery day came around, I was in complete agony. That morning, I got a call from the surgeon's office calling me to come into the hospital a couple of hours earlier because they had a cancelation.
Dad, Holly, and I gathered the things I needed for the hospital stay and rushed to the hospital. Can I just say it takes forever to get ready for surgery? With all of the paperwork, and blood samples, and questionnaires they have to give you, I thought that my cyst was going to burst before I was actually going to get the surgery. At this time the  anesthesiologist came and got me, I hugged my family at this time and was wheeled into surgery. I joked with the anesthesiologist about where the gallbladder is (good coping mechanism for me when I am nervous), and just went to sleep.

The next thing that I remember is waking up in the recovery room almost in a panic while the nurses were trying to reassure me. The other thought in my head was, what have they done to me? My whole abdomen feels like it is on fire, I thought they were just cutting me open and removing things, not trying to brand me. They must have given me some kind of meds after that because I was just delirious after that and couldn't even lift my head up.

After about an hour in the recovery room I was wheeled to my room. My dad, Holly, and my Grandma and Grandpa Sagers were all in the room. After I got into the room, I don't remember much after that besides they kept laughing (I guess I am pretty funny on pain pills).

It was the day after that was the beginning of my recovery. Within 20 hours of having surgery, I had to learn to lean up and sit up in bed. You think it's easy getting out of bed right? Try getting out of bed without trying to move a stomach muscle, it's pretty hard.

Days and even weeks I had to learn to accept my family's help for even the smallest favors. It has been a hard pill to swallow asking people for help.

The other thing I have to learn is to accept what my body now looks like. Sure, I have lost quite a bit of weight and come on, what person does not like to hear they have lost weight. I have always been a chunky girl and I am confident with my body being this way. What I am not confident in yet is the 11 inch scar I have going down my abdomen.

It's not just the scar and the constant reminder of what I have gone through that has been messing with my mind. Not being able to recover as quickly and jumping back to pre operation is what has me hung up. I want to be able to do everything before the surgery, even the simple of not feeling like a tight rubber band.

And yet, their is something in the back of my mind that tells me to look on the bright side. This situation could of turned out a lot worse, "it could have been cancerous"  Holly says to help me look at the positive side. It could have burst, or it could of been a cyst growing on a vital organ and been harder to remove.

I also have to remind myself that this is another thing that I have survived. Everyone has scars, some visible but most are not. This is just a scar that shows that I am a survivor and fighter in this way. And with that, I can love myself again.

Here is a great quote that I have come to love... 

May The Force Be With Her

Today has been a very sad day for the Star Wars fandom. We lost our Princess Leia, actress Carrie Fisher today at the age of 60. She was not just known as Leia in Star Wars, but also as an advocate for mental illness awareness.
When Holly and I where children and there came a thunderstorm, we would set up a blanket fort and sit underneath and watch the Star Wars movies while mom worked away at her desk. After some time of hearing us laughing and screaming in delight, she would come out and watch the movies with us. She would always tell us that the princess was her favorite character. One year I asked her why? She said because this princes did not need a man to save her. She was going to save herself. After everything she had gone through she was still as strong as ever.

I remember meeting Carrie almost two years ago at Comic-Con and how excited I was to finally meet one of my idols. I had bought the autograph voucher and decided to stay in line while my friend went off and did her own thing at the venue. I was the youngest girl in the line that stretched for what seemed like a mile. In the backpack that I had brought with me to the event was one of moms most treasured movie sets. It was the VHS Trilogy set that my dad had bought her one year for Christmas. I knew what I was going to do with it. I had to get it signed by Carrie for Mom for her Mother's Day gift. I knew it was going to be something that my mom would treasure forever  because like me, Princess Leia was also her Idol. I stood in line for a total of 3 hours and never once was discouraged. One way or another, I was going to get her autograph for my Mama. When it was finally my turn to meet her, I almost stood frozen. I was so nervous to meet the lady who stood for so many things. I finally got up the nerve and stood in front of her and just gazed. First thing out of my mouth was, "you were the perfect woman to play Princess Leia". She smiled and then said, "anybody can be a princess, even a cute girl like you". Instantly my heart and smile beamed with pride. She then said that she hadn't seen a VHS set for many years and held it and studied it carefully. I then told her that it belongs to my mom and that she was in a nursing home. She then gave me a sad smile, the same one I had seen many people give me once I told them about my mom. But the thing that resonated with me is what she said after "may the force be with her" she whispered to me as she put the glitter on my face as I had seen her do to other fans before me. I said my thank yous and moved on clutching the series that had given me so many of my childhood memories.

Every girl wanted to be Princess Leia. A princess, and a badass. Carrie Fisher did all of these things well, and now that she's no longer here, May The Force Be With Her.

Electoral Blues

November is an important month of the year. All months are of course, but in certain years, there a are November's they are more important. This year, we have a big decision to make.... Who do we want as our next president? I know some people who just write it off and say that their voices don't count - it's totally fine that is your opinion. I know other people who vote because it is their civic duty as citizens of this great nation to do so.

My parents are those kind of people.

Every election year our parents would take us to the voting precincts, and we would stand in the old boxes and watch as our parents punched the holes into the paper. Mom was always the one who would take the longest (it felt like and eternity sometimes) and I would just stare at her. Even as a child, I could tell that my mom was taking her time to really think of who she was going to vote for. And after a sigh or a few head scratches, she would move on to the next person she had to vote for. Once both were finished, they would return their ballots and receive their stickers and as soon as they put it on, they had a smile on their faces. 

It wasn't until I turned 18 and voted for my first time that I understood what it meant. You are excited to put on that sticker, no matter who you voted for. You know that your voice has been heard and that your vote counts for something. And you once you put on that sticker, the sticker that has our Nation's flag on it that says 'I voted' that you smile and know what you have done for not just the country, but for generations to come.

This year is no different. We have been hearing campaign ads after campaign ad, so many that we are all sick of them. Every candidate has told us why we should vote for them, and why not to vote for their opponents. And sometimes I'll just say, between any party, it can get down right mean. 

I'm glad my parents taught my sister and I this foundation of what it meant to be an American. That we had the right, to vote for who we pleased. And this year, more than ever, I took more time to think of who I would want to be the leader of our Nation. 

In some ways right before we could start voting this year, it seemed like our country was totally divided on who we were going to vote for. Hopefully, after this day, we can all stand together in unison and support our next president, whomever it may be.

And of course the perfect thing to end this blog would be a nerd quote; "May the odds ever be in your favor". ~ Effie Trinket