I Can Learn to Love Myself

Sorry guys that it's been a long time since my last blog post. Unfortunately, I've been on the journey to learn to love myself again. If you're curious as to why I'm on this journey to love myself again, here's the long story.

At the beginning of this year, I started having really bad stomach pains. I wrote this off as some kind of virus or something. I refused to go to the doctor for a few months, and obviously that wasn't the best decision. By the time I finally went to the doctor, I was in a great amount of pain. He couldn't really figure out what the problem was so he had me go get some tests done at the hospital.

After several weeks, many tests, and different results, I found out my results in an unusual way. I was sitting in the surgeon's waiting room and got a call from the Instacare doctor that I had seen and he was hesitant to tell me my results over the phone. He finally just blabbed that not only did I need my gallbladder taken out, but the main source of my pain was coming from a huge ovarian cyst that was pushing on my internal organs.

When I had my consultation with the surgeon, I was told that he might need to remove one of my ovaries. As soon as we heard that, instantly my Dad cried and I went into a state of shock.

I was a twenty-six-year-old overall healthy woman, how was this happening to me? I felt like the floor had been moved from underneath me and I didn't know where to look next. In the following days after I received the results, I was walking in a haze - not knowing if I was going to just burst into tears and not because I hadn't cried yet.

By the time surgery day came around, I was in complete agony. That morning, I got a call from the surgeon's office calling me to come into the hospital a couple of hours earlier because they had a cancelation.
Dad, Holly, and I gathered the things I needed for the hospital stay and rushed to the hospital. Can I just say it takes forever to get ready for surgery? With all of the paperwork, and blood samples, and questionnaires they have to give you, I thought that my cyst was going to burst before I was actually going to get the surgery. At this time the  anesthesiologist came and got me, I hugged my family at this time and was wheeled into surgery. I joked with the anesthesiologist about where the gallbladder is (good coping mechanism for me when I am nervous), and just went to sleep.

The next thing that I remember is waking up in the recovery room almost in a panic while the nurses were trying to reassure me. The other thought in my head was, what have they done to me? My whole abdomen feels like it is on fire, I thought they were just cutting me open and removing things, not trying to brand me. They must have given me some kind of meds after that because I was just delirious after that and couldn't even lift my head up.

After about an hour in the recovery room I was wheeled to my room. My dad, Holly, and my Grandma and Grandpa Sagers were all in the room. After I got into the room, I don't remember much after that besides they kept laughing (I guess I am pretty funny on pain pills).

It was the day after that was the beginning of my recovery. Within 20 hours of having surgery, I had to learn to lean up and sit up in bed. You think it's easy getting out of bed right? Try getting out of bed without trying to move a stomach muscle, it's pretty hard.

Days and even weeks I had to learn to accept my family's help for even the smallest favors. It has been a hard pill to swallow asking people for help.

The other thing I have to learn is to accept what my body now looks like. Sure, I have lost quite a bit of weight and come on, what person does not like to hear they have lost weight. I have always been a chunky girl and I am confident with my body being this way. What I am not confident in yet is the 11 inch scar I have going down my abdomen.

It's not just the scar and the constant reminder of what I have gone through that has been messing with my mind. Not being able to recover as quickly and jumping back to pre operation is what has me hung up. I want to be able to do everything before the surgery, even the simple of not feeling like a tight rubber band.

And yet, their is something in the back of my mind that tells me to look on the bright side. This situation could of turned out a lot worse, "it could have been cancerous"  Holly says to help me look at the positive side. It could have burst, or it could of been a cyst growing on a vital organ and been harder to remove.

I also have to remind myself that this is another thing that I have survived. Everyone has scars, some visible but most are not. This is just a scar that shows that I am a survivor and fighter in this way. And with that, I can love myself again.

Here is a great quote that I have come to love... 

May The Force Be With Her

Today has been a very sad day for the Star Wars fandom. We lost our Princess Leia, actress Carrie Fisher today at the age of 60. She was not just known as Leia in Star Wars, but also as an advocate for mental illness awareness.
When Holly and I where children and there came a thunderstorm, we would set up a blanket fort and sit underneath and watch the Star Wars movies while mom worked away at her desk. After some time of hearing us laughing and screaming in delight, she would come out and watch the movies with us. She would always tell us that the princess was her favorite character. One year I asked her why? She said because this princes did not need a man to save her. She was going to save herself. After everything she had gone through she was still as strong as ever.

I remember meeting Carrie almost two years ago at Comic-Con and how excited I was to finally meet one of my idols. I had bought the autograph voucher and decided to stay in line while my friend went off and did her own thing at the venue. I was the youngest girl in the line that stretched for what seemed like a mile. In the backpack that I had brought with me to the event was one of moms most treasured movie sets. It was the VHS Trilogy set that my dad had bought her one year for Christmas. I knew what I was going to do with it. I had to get it signed by Carrie for Mom for her Mother's Day gift. I knew it was going to be something that my mom would treasure forever  because like me, Princess Leia was also her Idol. I stood in line for a total of 3 hours and never once was discouraged. One way or another, I was going to get her autograph for my Mama. When it was finally my turn to meet her, I almost stood frozen. I was so nervous to meet the lady who stood for so many things. I finally got up the nerve and stood in front of her and just gazed. First thing out of my mouth was, "you were the perfect woman to play Princess Leia". She smiled and then said, "anybody can be a princess, even a cute girl like you". Instantly my heart and smile beamed with pride. She then said that she hadn't seen a VHS set for many years and held it and studied it carefully. I then told her that it belongs to my mom and that she was in a nursing home. She then gave me a sad smile, the same one I had seen many people give me once I told them about my mom. But the thing that resonated with me is what she said after "may the force be with her" she whispered to me as she put the glitter on my face as I had seen her do to other fans before me. I said my thank yous and moved on clutching the series that had given me so many of my childhood memories.

Every girl wanted to be Princess Leia. A princess, and a badass. Carrie Fisher did all of these things well, and now that she's no longer here, May The Force Be With Her.

Electoral Blues

November is an important month of the year. All months are of course, but in certain years, there a are November's they are more important. This year, we have a big decision to make.... Who do we want as our next president? I know some people who just write it off and say that their voices don't count - it's totally fine that is your opinion. I know other people who vote because it is their civic duty as citizens of this great nation to do so.

My parents are those kind of people.

Every election year our parents would take us to the voting precincts, and we would stand in the old boxes and watch as our parents punched the holes into the paper. Mom was always the one who would take the longest (it felt like and eternity sometimes) and I would just stare at her. Even as a child, I could tell that my mom was taking her time to really think of who she was going to vote for. And after a sigh or a few head scratches, she would move on to the next person she had to vote for. Once both were finished, they would return their ballots and receive their stickers and as soon as they put it on, they had a smile on their faces. 

It wasn't until I turned 18 and voted for my first time that I understood what it meant. You are excited to put on that sticker, no matter who you voted for. You know that your voice has been heard and that your vote counts for something. And you once you put on that sticker, the sticker that has our Nation's flag on it that says 'I voted' that you smile and know what you have done for not just the country, but for generations to come.

This year is no different. We have been hearing campaign ads after campaign ad, so many that we are all sick of them. Every candidate has told us why we should vote for them, and why not to vote for their opponents. And sometimes I'll just say, between any party, it can get down right mean. 

I'm glad my parents taught my sister and I this foundation of what it meant to be an American. That we had the right, to vote for who we pleased. And this year, more than ever, I took more time to think of who I would want to be the leader of our Nation. 

In some ways right before we could start voting this year, it seemed like our country was totally divided on who we were going to vote for. Hopefully, after this day, we can all stand together in unison and support our next president, whomever it may be.

And of course the perfect thing to end this blog would be a nerd quote; "May the odds ever be in your favor". ~ Effie Trinket

My video is COMING OUT!!

I have finally decided to do this video because I love who I am. Everyone should love themselves no matter who they are.

https://youtu.be/exyZgbgDa3Y

I've survived

It's been 6 months since my beautiful Mama passed away. A couple weeks ago a co-worker asked me, "Ash, what would your mama think if she saw you like this" ? I politely said while being shocked I would say, "Mama I have existed without you". A couple of days after I talk to my little sister Holly and she had the perfect answer. She said that we have survived. I completely agree.

Since Mom has passed I have survived 29 Thursdays without her.
I've survived what should have been 24 mama and me Tuesday's without her.
I am survived every night not holding her hand in mine.
I have survived every night not saying goodnight to her.
I have survived every day not looking into the same blue eyes that I have.
I have not only survived one minute, one day, but 197 days without her.
Some people may see a daughter grieving for her mother. But I see myself as a survivor. I have survived.

When people don't understand you.

Birthday Blues and Blessings.

This birthday was the first one without my beautiful Mama. I never thought it would come to this day but it had. On that day I went looking for any pictures I could find of her and I on my birthday. After a couple hours of searching, I couldn't find any. She was probably the one that was taking the pictures. In my frustration I sat in the corner of the office room, and cried.
I cried out, "Mommy, why don't I have any pictures of us when I was little? You were always there for the big events in my life but I don't have the pictures to look at. I know you didn't like your picture taken and I get that but since I can't see you now I really need the pictures".

After I had wiped away my tears and composed myself I had this thought in my mind to look through my picture album one more time. And on the first page I looked at these pictures differently. They were of the day I was born, my technically first birthday. I started smiling to myself, that was the only real pictures I needed over her and I on my birthday because then I saw it through her eyes.

So Mommy, I wrote you a letter in my heart and now I am writing it down.
"Dear, Mom,
It's my Birthday today, but you already knew that. I miss you more today than I did yesterday, and probably will miss you even more tomorrow. I found the pictures of us on the day I was born. And can I just say Mom, you looked very beautiful. You looked so drained and exhausted from what your body and just been through. And yet, relieved and rejuvenated because after years of the tears, pain, and asking God to grant you a child, you finally had your miracle. It wasn't until after you had passed that Dad finally told me how many times you cried your self to sleep hoping God would hear your prayers. And how your body had to endure so much just so Holly and I could be here. And for that Mom, I love you even more. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and for giving me life."

So now my birthday had went from sadness of missing mom, to understanding how much I was blessed to have such an amazing woman to give me life.