My video is COMING OUT!!

I have finally decided to do this video because I love who I am. Everyone should love themselves no matter who they are.

https://youtu.be/exyZgbgDa3Y

I've survived

It's been 6 months since my beautiful Mama passed away. A couple weeks ago a co-worker asked me, "Ash, what would your mama think if she saw you like this" ? I politely said while being shocked I would say, "Mama I have existed without you". A couple of days after I talk to my little sister Holly and she had the perfect answer. She said that we have survived. I completely agree.

Since Mom has passed I have survived 29 Thursdays without her.
I've survived what should have been 24 mama and me Tuesday's without her.
I am survived every night not holding her hand in mine.
I have survived every night not saying goodnight to her.
I have survived every day not looking into the same blue eyes that I have.
I have not only survived one minute, one day, but 197 days without her.
Some people may see a daughter grieving for her mother. But I see myself as a survivor. I have survived.

When people don't understand you.

Birthday Blues and Blessings.

This birthday was the first one without my beautiful Mama. I never thought it would come to this day but it had. On that day I went looking for any pictures I could find of her and I on my birthday. After a couple hours of searching, I couldn't find any. She was probably the one that was taking the pictures. In my frustration I sat in the corner of the office room, and cried.
I cried out, "Mommy, why don't I have any pictures of us when I was little? You were always there for the big events in my life but I don't have the pictures to look at. I know you didn't like your picture taken and I get that but since I can't see you now I really need the pictures".

After I had wiped away my tears and composed myself I had this thought in my mind to look through my picture album one more time. And on the first page I looked at these pictures differently. They were of the day I was born, my technically first birthday. I started smiling to myself, that was the only real pictures I needed over her and I on my birthday because then I saw it through her eyes.

So Mommy, I wrote you a letter in my heart and now I am writing it down.
"Dear, Mom,
It's my Birthday today, but you already knew that. I miss you more today than I did yesterday, and probably will miss you even more tomorrow. I found the pictures of us on the day I was born. And can I just say Mom, you looked very beautiful. You looked so drained and exhausted from what your body and just been through. And yet, relieved and rejuvenated because after years of the tears, pain, and asking God to grant you a child, you finally had your miracle. It wasn't until after you had passed that Dad finally told me how many times you cried your self to sleep hoping God would hear your prayers. And how your body had to endure so much just so Holly and I could be here. And for that Mom, I love you even more. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and for giving me life."

So now my birthday had went from sadness of missing mom, to understanding how much I was blessed to have such an amazing woman to give me life.

I'm not okay, but I will be someday.

Grief is a very strange emotion. It hits people at different times in their lives, in certain

situations. And out of nowhere it sneaks up on you without warning. Someone with Autism (like me)

might show grief differently. If a situation comes up that derails my plans, I

make up my mind that I can fix the problem and that I’ll be fine. Death is the one thing I can’t

change- it’s the one thing that I can’t fix and make it so that “I’ll be fine”. Death in inevitable; we will

all die in the end. When we die, we won't be the ones suffering. It will be the ones we have left behind.

When my mom's dad passed away almost 10 years ago, I didn’t cry for a few weeks. It

wasn’t the first grandparent I had lost, but it was the last grandparent on my mom's side. I knew that

my mom was taking it so hard. She cried to us one day and said, “I’m now an orphan”. Seeing and

hearing my mom cry was so heartbreaking. So, I decided I had to be the strong one for her; I

wouldn’t cry because she needed me. She started worrying about me and my emotions and

what was I not telling her. She always knew I would process and analyze my emotions before I

talked about them.

I remember this memory so vividly. The family went up to the Franklin Cemetery where

both of my grandparents were now buried. Dad and Holly had already gone to the car and mom and I

were standing over their graves. Mom asked me, “Boo, are you okay”? Of course I’m

not okay- I’m 16 years old and have lost both of my grandparents on your side. I see you crying

every night for your parents and I don’t know how to help you. And yet I said, “Yeah Mom, I’m okay.”

Mom: “Then why haven’t I seen you cry?”

Me: “There is no point in crying. I can’t cry in front of you Mom. Holly and I are being the strong girls

you need.”

Mom stood there looking at me and sighed, and then said the words that I have taken to heart

since she has passed: “I need to see you cry sweetheart. Then I know that you are going to be okay.

Once she had almost given me the permission, I started to cry as Mom held me up.

Now as I stand over my own Mom's grave, at the mere age of 25, I hold it in most of the times.

Until I hear the chimes in the tree right by her. Then I start to cry. I don’t cry for you Mom- I know that

you are okay, I cry for the people you left behind.

I cry for the husband that loved you for the past 28 years who misses his other half. I cry for my

sister who didn't get to have you as I have and has had to grow up faster than anyone ever

should. I cry for your siblings who had to say goodbye to their baby sister. I cry for your future

grandchildren who will never be held by you in this life.

But mostly, I cry for myself. I cry because I miss the times that we have shared and I want to

relive those. I cry for the future, and how you won't be there to hold my hand or wipe away my

tears. I cry because I miss not only my mom, but I also miss my best friend.

And right now I am crying writing this post. And I know you see me cry, and you know that I'll be

okay, eventually.

Choose the road you want to be on, and enjoy the ride!

A couple of weeks ago my Dad, sister and I went camping with our grandparents. It's starting to become our annual summer vacation with them and we love it. What Holly and I find most memorable is when we go fishing with our Grandpa. 

Well this year was no different. We got up, ate breakfast and grabbed our fishing gear and headed out to the shore. We had to hike a ways to get to our destination, and we had to carry our own supplies.
We all started out at the same pace and walking with each other. Then I started slowing down due to the bucket I was carrying kept hitting the bigger rocks. A few minutes I noticed that my sister and Grandpa were yards away from me. I then decided instead of going the same route as they did, I went on my own route and was able to catch up to them in no time.

 
This had me thinking metaphorically (which I tend to do quite a bit), in my life I look around and feel like I am always the last person to catch on to something or to catch up.

After that I started thinking about it in a different way. Yes, it seemed like I was always playing catch up to people, but maybe everyone else thinks that as well. We were all dealt with certain challenges and difficulties in our lives, and sometimes we are just trying to survive.

We also take different paths in our lives. There are some things we choose, and some things that are just out of our hands. But with the path we choose, we also get to shape our lives the way we want to.

In this past year I have chosen the path that was always meant for me but was worried about what other people would think of me. I now look at it and I am more free and I can be who I really want to be. We all have our own paths in life, isn't the most important thing to remember to enjoy it? The ride won't last forever, so make the most of it.

Loving yourself.

It has been just over a month since I came out about my sexuality on my blog. It was so terrifying, yet very rewarding. It is the hardest thing a person has to do, but it is so worth it. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be true to who you are. I can finally be myself, and finally get to be free.