Pride Month Is Over, But My Pride Never Stops

Pride Month may be over, but that doesn't mean my pride in who I am will ever stop. This past month, I decided to buy myself a hood cover with the rainbow flag on it and proudly displayed it on my car. The reactions I’ve received from drivers, pedestrians, and bystanders have been overwhelming and mixed. I've been honked at, flipped off, cussed out, told that I'm going to hell, and subjected to derogatory language—all because of something on my car.

I know some of you might think, "Well, you're displaying your lifestyle, so don't shove it in my face." But how am I displaying my lifestyle any differently than others? There are people with "Jesus Saves" stickers because they are proud Christians. Others display political affiliations because they believe in those values. And that’s fine! What you display on your car is your business, and you won’t hear me cuss you out (unless you cut me off).

To the countless people who have screamed "fag" at me while driving, what did you think that would accomplish? Do you think it will make me less queer? It doesn’t! I am living my life proud, open, and authentically because my happiness is more important than my safety. 

This isn't just about a rainbow flag or a month of celebration. It's about the ongoing fight for acceptance and the right to live authentically. It's about standing up against hate and ignorance with courage and pride. 

Being proud of who I am is not just for one month; it’s a lifelong journey. So, even though Pride Month has ended, my pride will continue to shine as brightly as the rainbow on my car. 

Keep being proud of who you are, no matter what. Your happiness and authenticity are worth more than the opinions of those who choose to spread hate.

New Year, same old me

Happy New Year! It's easy to underestimate the impact of our experiences until we take the time to reflect. Despite feeling like I hadn't achieved much in 2023, looking through the photos on my phone revealed quite the opposite. From celebrating my birthday at a gun range with friends to overcoming personal challenges and graduating college, the year was full of accomplishments. I even had the opportunity to attend a conference and explore Florida (even hold a baby gator). However, amidst the highs, I learned the importance of self-care and not burning myself out. As we enter 2024, my hope is to prioritize laughter and worry less. Cheers to the new year!

#newyearsameoldme

It's been my saving grace.

If you really know me, you know that I love Harry Potter! As soon as HBO Max released Return to Hogwarts, I was streaming this documentary. I have been in love with the Harry Potter franchise for so long and it's a part of who I am. I have had people in passing and even in my social circle who look at me and probably wonder why I still love something "childish". Harry Potter isn't just a part of me, it's been my saving grace.
20 years ago I was in 5th grade and not being the best student that I could have been. I couldn't read very well and was very self conscious about reading out loud in front of people. That really started having an impact on my self esteem, and I know that my mom started seeing that as well. 
One evening we sat down as a family to watch some TV and a commercial came on (way before you could skip the commercials), about a boy talking about magic and going to a school for witchcraft and wizardry. Watching that commercial, it instantly caught my interest. After seeing that commercial, I told mom that I wanted to go see that movie. She had seen that it was an adaptation of a children's book and she used that to her advantage. She made a deal with me, if I read the book and was able to tell her about it, she agreed to take me to the movie on opening night. Needless to say I read the book, went to the opening night show and the rest has been history.
So why do like like Harry Potter so much? Easy, it changed my life.
I went from a child who never read to an avid bookworm. I even have continued my love of reading to teaching my students how to read. When life got too hard at times, Hogwarts was my escape from reality, it was my safe space. When my mom got sick and had to be put in a nursing home, I read continually so I could learn how to deal with it. And then when mom died, I read the chapters again about a boy who knew what it felt like to lose a parent. 
I was a lonely, dorky, sad and awkward little girl who only ever truly felt at home while escaping to Hogwarts and I can’t even explain in words how many emotions I got visiting it again. Thank you to the characters of the books who were my friends when I needed you most. I missed you dearly.

                                                                After all this time?

                                                                        Always

roller-coaster of grief

https://youtu.be/BaKwRXMoL1Q

Grief for me is like this big roller coaster. Most of the days I'm climbing up the tracks and everything is going well and I deal with my mom not being here. And then there are days like today that grief sends you barreling down the tracks and you find yourself crying for your mom in the parking lot of your job. There are days where I laugh about the silliest things her and I would do. And then there are days like today where I dream of her and I just want to go back to that dream and sleep forever.

Most days I'm okay, but today I'm not.

And that's okay.

"A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved"

30 things I learned before turning 30

1. Not everyone is going to agree with you, and that's okay.
2. Love your parents while you are both young.
3. Don't wish your life away.
4. Go on adventures even if it means you do it alone.
5. Your mom could easily be your best friend, so take care of her.
6. You sibling(s) really do have your back.
7. Family isn't just blood, it's people you choose.
8. Find and discover your authentic self, and then live proudly.
9. People are going to be mean, but don't let it turn you bitter.
10. Life is not easy, and it's meant to be that way.
11. Make your mistakes now while you are young.
12. You're not going to have your shit all together. Sorry that's just the facts. And the people who look like they have their life together are lying.
13. Sacrificing yourself never works out.
14. Life is going to teach you almost more than school did.
15. When something doesn't feel right, go left.
16. Life is constantly changing, so change with it.
17. Living your truth and your integrity are your most valuable assets.
18. Life is uncomfortable sometimes - life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
19. Own your life - and take ownership of it.
20. Don't look for validation from others for doing the right thing.
21. Don't seek revenge - you'll never feel good about yourself.
22. Focus on the good thing sin life and not the bad - the good things in life are what make it worth living.
23. It's never too late to dream.
24. Fall in love, and if that doesn't work try to love again, because the 2nd time might just be the charm.
25. Fuck what people think of you! You're a great person!
26. Write down everything and take as many photos as you can.
27. Read as much as you can - explore your own imagination.
28. People don't live forever, and we're not supposed to, but don't hang on to the anger from it, hold on to the love you have for that person.
29. Always fight for what you are passionate about.
30. If life is getting too serious, make it fun again. Do a 30 second dance party, or bust out a music number.

Bi Visiblity Day!

Today (September 23rd) is known as Bisexual Visibility Day. And I could not let this day end without talking about it. While walking down the street with the haircut I have and the clothes I wear most people would assume that I am a lesbian. That's cool and all, but why do we have to assume instead of asking the person? I have had people both inside of the LGBTQ+ community and outside of it make jokes or saying that I am "half gay" so aggravating!

So on this post I have gathered the most frequently asked questions people have asked me since I have been out, and hopefully, this will educate people about a person who is Bisexual.


Q: What does being “bisexual” mean?

Like most identities, being “bisexual” or “bi” can mean different things to different people. The conventional definition of being “bisexual” is to be sexually attracted to both men and women. Some folks use “bisexual” as an umbrella term to describe being attracted to people beyond one gender.


Q: Are you attracted to women or men more? Or is it 50/50?

On sunny days, women. On rainy days, men. Just kidding. It depends on the person I meet. Duh, people. Look at this handy chart below.




Q: What’s the difference between “bisexual” and “queer?”

“Queer” is often described as an umbrella term, but again, it means different things to different people. For me, it means being outside of the heterosexist norm — I also see it as a movement, a community, with a hint of radical flavor and a heavy dose of fearlessness. I most often like to identify as “bisexual,” not because I believe there are only two genders, but because I think bisexual invisibility/erasure is all too real. I like to claim the identity to increase visibility for folks who don’t fit into the L/G categories and to take up space. So if I'm at a gay pride event I am more likely to say that I am queer, then the questions just end there.


Q: How about “pansexual?”

I got asked this question by my sister just after I came out. I tried to use that word just a few times and that identity name just didn't sit with me. Bisexual just felt like the right box for me.


Q: When did you know you were bi/queer?

I didn't have the vocabulary to even know what Bisexual really was until I went to high school and a friend of mine came out as Bisexual. But now that I have been out for a few years and I am more mature I can see when certain events that I could have caught on faster about my sexuality. I was 13 when I was bi-curious but had no idea what I was feeling, and growing up in a very religious community I thought of myself as sinful. By the time I was 16 I for sure knew that I was Bisexual but I was never going to tell anybody... 9 years later, totally did and it was the best thing I could have done for myself


Q: Is being bisexual just a phase people go through until they decide to be gay or lesbian?


No! People thinking this is just a “phase” is deeply hurtful. It denies my desire that spans multiple gender identities and makes me feel like I am not a whole person. It’s as if someone is telling me I’m still “figuring it out,” when actually, I have it figured out! Saying bisexuality is not a real identity or calling bisexuals “fence-sitters” is offensive and invalidates a big part of who I am and who I’ve always been.


Q: When do you bring it up when you are dating someone?


Depends on the person. It’s usually something that comes up or I bring up on the first 1–2 dates. I’ve ended dates after learning the other person is not comfortable with me being bi/queer. I’ve also ended dates after hearing biphobic remarks (“oh that’s hot” is amongst my favorites. NOT).


Q: Are you a lesbian now that you’re dating a woman?

Nope, still bisexual and that won't ever change.


Q: What are some examples of biphobia?



Believing bisexuality isn’t a legitimate identity (e.g., “it’s a phase” “he’s actually gay” “you can’t be a fence-sitter. Choose!”)
Assuming someone’s identity based on sexual or dating history, or current partner’s gender/sex
Calling bisexuals “allies” to the LGBT community
Assuming everyone is either gay or straight
Believing bisexual people are confused or trying to “decide”
Erasing bisexual people from the broader LGBTQ movement and struggles
Thinking bisexual people are “half-oppressed” or have it “easier” than lesbian and gay people
Sexualizing bi women or thinking bi women are seeking attention from men
Telling bisexuals that we have “double the options” — no, we don’t
Not dating bisexual people because you think they’re going to leave for another gender; thinking bisexual people can’t be monogamous
Thinking bisexual people are attracted to everyone
Assuming all bisexual people want threesomes. GAH!

The pride pulsing in me.

In June 2016, I had just gone to my first big gay pride. I was just taking the first steps into coming out; my friends new but my extended family didn't. I knew intolerance toward the LGBTQ+ community existed and I was aware of the history of criminalization of and violence toward the community, but I had never really faced it. I was living in a bubble where I didn’t see any threat to my wellbeing when I walked down the street or rode public transportation or went about my normal, daily life. I came out in a time when I could see the White House lit up in rainbow colors for pride, and when same-sex marriage was legal throughout the country. I took being able to be out and proud of who I was for granted. I didn’t understand what Pride meant beyond being a chance to party and I didn’t appreciate all of the activists that spent their lives fighting- and sometimes dying- to gain the rights and acceptance I enjoyed without thinking twice about. Being gay was an interesting personality trait that meant I could put rainbows everywhere just for fun. Pulse changed all of that.

Pulse was the first time I felt threatened because of who I am. It made me want to run back into the safety of the closet and slam the door. Suddenly, I didn’t feel safe walking down the street or riding public transportation or going about my normal life. The feelings of paranoia and fear that thousands of LGBTQ+ people had lived with for hundreds of years finally landed upon my shoulders, violently bursting my Utopian bubble, seemingly crushing me. I wondered if I was safe, if I was next, if I could put rainbows everywhere for fun without also putting a target on my back. Looking back, I know I was a little more paranoid than I should have been, but could you blame me? Pulse wasn’t just a wake up call that burst my bubble. It wasn’t just an incident of harassment on the streets of Salt Lake City I would face two years later when a man would scream at me from across the street to tell me he doesn’t want any faggots in his neighborhood, and that faggots should be tied up and dragged behind a pickup truck - this wake up call was brutal, violent, and deadly. Extreme. To go from rainbows and happiness one day to waking up the next and seeing 49 people had been murdered for being gay was a lot. From that day forward, my life as a gay person in America was no longer rainbows and happiness. My life instantly became constantly looking over my shoulder when I was holding my girlfriend’s hand, carrying keys between my knuckles as I walked alone, and an acute awareness of the people who were around me and what they were doing.
In my memory, Pulse is not just a horrific hate crime against a community. Pulse is the first horrific hate crime against my community that I can remember. It showed me what I would have to spend my life fighting against. It taught me what it means to be a proudly out gay person- that being out is an act of bravery, of protest, of risk. It left me with constant fear, where even on the best days, I wait to hear shots being fired or a bomb going off as I walk down the confetti-covered streets of Salt Lake City after the Pride Parade. But it did not leave me with only fear. It has also been a source of inspiration. To allow it to only fill us with fear and never challenge that fear would be a disservice to those who died that day. It has inspired me to continue living with pride as an act of protest, to study and appreciate the lives dedicated and lost to the fight for equal rights, and to continue that very fight.
The Pulse Massacre was important, but not in the obvious ways. In my memory, it was the first time the fight for equal rights became about life and death. It redefined what it meant to be gay and it inspired, and continues to inspire me. Pulse was not just a tragedy; Pulse helped to define who I am. That’s how I remember the victims, not just today, but every day.

Dear Utah

My coworker has been having our students write about a place that has a special place in their hearts and I decided to write mine down so here it goes...

Dear Utah,

From being a little kid going ice fishing with my grandpa at Mantua Lake to being an adult and going on random drives through Ogden Canyon, I fell in love with you. I didn't pick this place to live. My parents did almost 35 years ago through what I would say is a beautiful love story and they made this my home.
If people ever ask me what I love most about you, I always say the mountains. Everyday for the past 28 years I leave my house I look at the mountains and I am just in awe of what the seasons do to them. With Spring having the crisp green leaves to Summer and seeing the waterfall on it to Autumn seeing your leaves change again to Winter and seeing the white snow up on Ben Lomond .
Most of my memories are here in this place and they are both happy and sad. This where I crashed my bicycle and skinned my elbows and mom picking me up and holding me and saying it was oka,y to where I said my final goodbye to her.
When I think of her I think of you.
You have given me a lot of emotions over the years. I have found peace, I have found grief and pain, I found acceptance, and I have also found love. Generations of my family have lived here inside this beautiful state that I call home and I can't wait to raise the next-generation here.
There's not another place I would rather live so not only do you have my heart Utah you have my soul.
And with all this said I want say thanks and I can't wait to keep making memories with you in them for the rest of my life.

Sincerely, Ashley

3 years of pride

It's been exactly three years today since I decided to tell my big secret. I started telling people that I am bisexual. Or what I really just say is... "Hi my name is Ashley and I happen to be gay!"  I never thought I would ever tell anyone my secret, until one day in a college communications classroom our  Professor asked us all a simple question, "does anyone know the real you?"  I stopped and thought to myself  "No.  No one knows the real me." I was burying it so deep down inside of me that just a few weeks earlier, on my 25th birthday,  I remember staring at my birthday cake and thinking to myself "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep living with this secret anymore - it is literally killing me inside." I had one of two choices to make, either I was going to start telling people who I really was, or I had to end it all and end my suffering. I remember looking at my family members around that birthday cake as they were singing to me and thinking "I can't end my life, they would all wonder why Ashley gave up on life." I knew that I was a strong person, I was Stronger than my own fears that were weighing against me. I knew I had to be a person that I could be proud of. I knew there was a possibility of breaking my family's heart but I had to take that chance. I had to do what was best for me and to live my authentic life.
I have finally been able to look into a mirror and say yes I am proud of what I have accomplished and who I am and I see a girl that is worth while. My reflection is now who I am inside

.

Where were you that day?

16 years ago today it was just like any other day.... Until it became the day that would be etched into our memories for as long as we live. It was Tuesday, September 11th, 2001. My family and I were doing our newspaper routes like we had done many times before. After we had finished our routes we had gotten into the car so Dad could take us home. On the AM radio it was announced that a helicopter had hit one of the North World Trade Center Tower, how that would become so far worse later on that day.

We came home, Dad woke up Mom and told her what the radio had said. Hearing that, she quickly got out of bed and went to the TV to hear about the breaking news. It was so shocking even for an 11 year old because the Towers had been such iconic landmarks. They were the buildings that could never be touched.... We were wrong.

My sister and I were getting ready for school when we heard our mom say something. I came out to see what was going on when she said, "a plane hit the South Tower". At the point in time, we all knew it was not an accident. 

Our parents did what they thought was best and have us go to school where the day would continue to be as normal as it could be. I had asked my parents years later why they had us go to school even though we were scared. They said, "we didn't want you guys to live in fear. That is exactly what terrorists want, they want to terrorize you". Unfortunately, they didn't know that our teachers would also be watching the news wondering what was going on in our country. 

For the remainder of that day, our focus was on the news and seeing all the horrors unraveling. And that night, most families sat together around the TV to watch our President telling us that we would not live in fear. Days, weeks, and even months later our country was showing more love and unity towards each other than we had seen for years. 

What we must remember most about that day is that we never know when our time on this earth will be up. Our greatest gift we can give them is love.

"Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a Power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me.

This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.

Thank you. Good night. And God bless America." ~President George W. Bush 9/11 Address to the Nation

The best grieving advice my mother could have given me.

I remember 16 years ago the days, weeks, and even months after my grandma Porter passed away and in that split second my mother changed. She didn't change in a bad way, just different... I think she looked at the world differently after her own Mama passed away.

Mom and I had our disagreements like every mother and daughter have, but mostly we had these deep discussions and conversations. Most of them will never be shared, but will forever be etched into my heart. Our favorite place to share these discussions was in the kitchen,

where we would do the dishes. Mom would clean the dishes and I would be the runner to get all of the dishes dried and put away. Our conversations were never forced, she knew if I wanted to talk, that I would and with it being my mom I usually wanted to talk.

I remember this conversation so vividly. It was about 5 years after her mom passed away and it was her mom's birthday that day. As we were washing the dishes, I saw a tear fall down my mom's cheek. My mother was a very strong person in every single way so for her to cry, I knew her heart was breaking.
"Mom, don't cry... Talk to me."
"Oh it's nothing Bug, I just miss Grandma."
"I know you do, Mom.. We all do. I don't know how you do it some days. I would be devastated if I ever lost you. " hugging her close at this point. And then the words that she said, I have had to use this in my own life now.
" I miss her every single day. Their is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. The days I feel like I miss her most, I cry for about 5 minutes and then I wipe away my tears and get back to life because that's what she would want me to do."
Most days now I don't wake up crying out for my mom. Don't get me wrong I miss her like crazy and she is always in my heart and in my mind. But the hollowing feeling I had when she had first past has subsided. But on the days where I just think, I can't go another day without my mom here, I remember her words.
So yes mom, their will still be the days that I'll cry because I miss you so. But, I'll also make it a quick cry, and carry on with my day because I know that's what you would want. 

The Future is Female

This past Sunday BBC made an announcement for all of us Whovians.... 

They released the name of the actor who is going to be playing the next Doctor on Doctor Who after Wimbledon. While most people were watching the match,  I was glued to my phone screen waiting for any new updates. When it finally popped up it said, "13th Doctor will be portrayed by Jodie Whittaker".  

Most of us nerds go through the stages of grief when we know that a new Doctor will be coming to the show. We are sad, in denial, and begging for our favorites to return even if it is just for one more episode. However, with this announcement, I kid you not I screamed! I was thrilled to see how they will transition the doctor into this next regeneration. 

What I didn't think would happen would be the backlash and the way people were unhappy to see a female playing the doctor. Yes, the past 50 years or so, the doctor has been played by a man, and it has been great seeing how each one of them has put their own twist on the character. 

So what that she is a female? I have done my research, and as a true fan, they have said in past years that the Doctor could regenerate into a male or female. They have just never done it until now. Is it a publicity stunt for the show to get more viewers? Maybe... But if it changes my female students' minds, and shows them that they can be the hero instead of just an assistant, then that's what I want, and I am happy to support it. 

I can't wait to see what this upcoming season will hold, and you better believe that I am cosplaying as the 13th Doctor and the next Con!

How time flies when you work....

While I was at one of my part-time jobs today. A co-worker asked me just out of the blue, "how long have you been working here"? I had to think about the day and went oh wow! It's been 3 years today! I work two part-time jobs and sometimes I wonder how I even do it. Sometimes with two part time jobs for an autistic person can be quite challenging. It feels like you're never getting a break and sometimes you just need to shut down but realize that you can't. And sometimes, that just sucks. I wonder if anyone from my childhood who knew that I was autistic ever thought that I could ever hold down to part-time jobs for as long as I have. I remember when I was 16 my longest job I had had was 6 months and that was so hard because balancing school and and work was just so challenging for me back then. I guess with being autistic you kind of learn to change and you learn to cope with certain situations. As an adult you can't just stop making money and stop paying your bills you have to keep going so you do whatever you need to do to make things work. Having two part-time jobs isn't the biggest thing I could be doing with my life but I'm going in the right direction and I'm quite proud of myself for it. Hopefully in the next few years maybe I won't have to have two part-time jobs and I can have a full time job as being a teacher. Can't wait for that day to come!

Accio Escape

It has been 20 years since the first Harry Potter book came out. Yet some days it feels like it was just one year ago. JK Rowling is a phenomenal author!! What words can I say to this amazing author?

 I would say thank you for creating this beautiful magical world that I could escape to when life was just too hard. Thanks for creating three best friends that were always around when I felt the loneliest. Thanks for creating these magical adventures that I can go on and feel like I was the most important person in the book. These series are the books that made me want to start reading. I owe JK Rowling and her inspiration for me wanting to read more. So in 7 books, 198 chapters, 4224 pages, 8 movies I have created so many memories. 

So thank you JK, for letting us into your magical world.

Sincerely,
the girl patiently waiting for her Hogwarts letter.

I Can Learn to Love Myself

Sorry guys that it's been a long time since my last blog post. Unfortunately, I've been on the journey to learn to love myself again. If you're curious as to why I'm on this journey to love myself again, here's the long story.

At the beginning of this year, I started having really bad stomach pains. I wrote this off as some kind of virus or something. I refused to go to the doctor for a few months, and obviously that wasn't the best decision. By the time I finally went to the doctor, I was in a great amount of pain. He couldn't really figure out what the problem was so he had me go get some tests done at the hospital.

After several weeks, many tests, and different results, I found out my results in an unusual way. I was sitting in the surgeon's waiting room and got a call from the Instacare doctor that I had seen and he was hesitant to tell me my results over the phone. He finally just blabbed that not only did I need my gallbladder taken out, but the main source of my pain was coming from a huge ovarian cyst that was pushing on my internal organs.

When I had my consultation with the surgeon, I was told that he might need to remove one of my ovaries. As soon as we heard that, instantly my Dad cried and I went into a state of shock.

I was a twenty-six-year-old overall healthy woman, how was this happening to me? I felt like the floor had been moved from underneath me and I didn't know where to look next. In the following days after I received the results, I was walking in a haze - not knowing if I was going to just burst into tears and not because I hadn't cried yet.

By the time surgery day came around, I was in complete agony. That morning, I got a call from the surgeon's office calling me to come into the hospital a couple of hours earlier because they had a cancelation.
Dad, Holly, and I gathered the things I needed for the hospital stay and rushed to the hospital. Can I just say it takes forever to get ready for surgery? With all of the paperwork, and blood samples, and questionnaires they have to give you, I thought that my cyst was going to burst before I was actually going to get the surgery. At this time the  anesthesiologist came and got me, I hugged my family at this time and was wheeled into surgery. I joked with the anesthesiologist about where the gallbladder is (good coping mechanism for me when I am nervous), and just went to sleep.

The next thing that I remember is waking up in the recovery room almost in a panic while the nurses were trying to reassure me. The other thought in my head was, what have they done to me? My whole abdomen feels like it is on fire, I thought they were just cutting me open and removing things, not trying to brand me. They must have given me some kind of meds after that because I was just delirious after that and couldn't even lift my head up.

After about an hour in the recovery room I was wheeled to my room. My dad, Holly, and my Grandma and Grandpa Sagers were all in the room. After I got into the room, I don't remember much after that besides they kept laughing (I guess I am pretty funny on pain pills).

It was the day after that was the beginning of my recovery. Within 20 hours of having surgery, I had to learn to lean up and sit up in bed. You think it's easy getting out of bed right? Try getting out of bed without trying to move a stomach muscle, it's pretty hard.

Days and even weeks I had to learn to accept my family's help for even the smallest favors. It has been a hard pill to swallow asking people for help.

The other thing I have to learn is to accept what my body now looks like. Sure, I have lost quite a bit of weight and come on, what person does not like to hear they have lost weight. I have always been a chunky girl and I am confident with my body being this way. What I am not confident in yet is the 11 inch scar I have going down my abdomen.

It's not just the scar and the constant reminder of what I have gone through that has been messing with my mind. Not being able to recover as quickly and jumping back to pre operation is what has me hung up. I want to be able to do everything before the surgery, even the simple of not feeling like a tight rubber band.

And yet, their is something in the back of my mind that tells me to look on the bright side. This situation could of turned out a lot worse, "it could have been cancerous"  Holly says to help me look at the positive side. It could have burst, or it could of been a cyst growing on a vital organ and been harder to remove.

I also have to remind myself that this is another thing that I have survived. Everyone has scars, some visible but most are not. This is just a scar that shows that I am a survivor and fighter in this way. And with that, I can love myself again.

Here is a great quote that I have come to love... 

May The Force Be With Her

Today has been a very sad day for the Star Wars fandom. We lost our Princess Leia, actress Carrie Fisher today at the age of 60. She was not just known as Leia in Star Wars, but also as an advocate for mental illness awareness.
When Holly and I where children and there came a thunderstorm, we would set up a blanket fort and sit underneath and watch the Star Wars movies while mom worked away at her desk. After some time of hearing us laughing and screaming in delight, she would come out and watch the movies with us. She would always tell us that the princess was her favorite character. One year I asked her why? She said because this princes did not need a man to save her. She was going to save herself. After everything she had gone through she was still as strong as ever.

I remember meeting Carrie almost two years ago at Comic-Con and how excited I was to finally meet one of my idols. I had bought the autograph voucher and decided to stay in line while my friend went off and did her own thing at the venue. I was the youngest girl in the line that stretched for what seemed like a mile. In the backpack that I had brought with me to the event was one of moms most treasured movie sets. It was the VHS Trilogy set that my dad had bought her one year for Christmas. I knew what I was going to do with it. I had to get it signed by Carrie for Mom for her Mother's Day gift. I knew it was going to be something that my mom would treasure forever  because like me, Princess Leia was also her Idol. I stood in line for a total of 3 hours and never once was discouraged. One way or another, I was going to get her autograph for my Mama. When it was finally my turn to meet her, I almost stood frozen. I was so nervous to meet the lady who stood for so many things. I finally got up the nerve and stood in front of her and just gazed. First thing out of my mouth was, "you were the perfect woman to play Princess Leia". She smiled and then said, "anybody can be a princess, even a cute girl like you". Instantly my heart and smile beamed with pride. She then said that she hadn't seen a VHS set for many years and held it and studied it carefully. I then told her that it belongs to my mom and that she was in a nursing home. She then gave me a sad smile, the same one I had seen many people give me once I told them about my mom. But the thing that resonated with me is what she said after "may the force be with her" she whispered to me as she put the glitter on my face as I had seen her do to other fans before me. I said my thank yous and moved on clutching the series that had given me so many of my childhood memories.

Every girl wanted to be Princess Leia. A princess, and a badass. Carrie Fisher did all of these things well, and now that she's no longer here, May The Force Be With Her.

Electoral Blues

November is an important month of the year. All months are of course, but in certain years, there a are November's they are more important. This year, we have a big decision to make.... Who do we want as our next president? I know some people who just write it off and say that their voices don't count - it's totally fine that is your opinion. I know other people who vote because it is their civic duty as citizens of this great nation to do so.

My parents are those kind of people.

Every election year our parents would take us to the voting precincts, and we would stand in the old boxes and watch as our parents punched the holes into the paper. Mom was always the one who would take the longest (it felt like and eternity sometimes) and I would just stare at her. Even as a child, I could tell that my mom was taking her time to really think of who she was going to vote for. And after a sigh or a few head scratches, she would move on to the next person she had to vote for. Once both were finished, they would return their ballots and receive their stickers and as soon as they put it on, they had a smile on their faces. 

It wasn't until I turned 18 and voted for my first time that I understood what it meant. You are excited to put on that sticker, no matter who you voted for. You know that your voice has been heard and that your vote counts for something. And you once you put on that sticker, the sticker that has our Nation's flag on it that says 'I voted' that you smile and know what you have done for not just the country, but for generations to come.

This year is no different. We have been hearing campaign ads after campaign ad, so many that we are all sick of them. Every candidate has told us why we should vote for them, and why not to vote for their opponents. And sometimes I'll just say, between any party, it can get down right mean. 

I'm glad my parents taught my sister and I this foundation of what it meant to be an American. That we had the right, to vote for who we pleased. And this year, more than ever, I took more time to think of who I would want to be the leader of our Nation. 

In some ways right before we could start voting this year, it seemed like our country was totally divided on who we were going to vote for. Hopefully, after this day, we can all stand together in unison and support our next president, whomever it may be.

And of course the perfect thing to end this blog would be a nerd quote; "May the odds ever be in your favor". ~ Effie Trinket

My video is COMING OUT!!

I have finally decided to do this video because I love who I am. Everyone should love themselves no matter who they are.

https://youtu.be/exyZgbgDa3Y

I've survived

It's been 6 months since my beautiful Mama passed away. A couple weeks ago a co-worker asked me, "Ash, what would your mama think if she saw you like this" ? I politely said while being shocked I would say, "Mama I have existed without you". A couple of days after I talk to my little sister Holly and she had the perfect answer. She said that we have survived. I completely agree.

Since Mom has passed I have survived 29 Thursdays without her.
I've survived what should have been 24 mama and me Tuesday's without her.
I am survived every night not holding her hand in mine.
I have survived every night not saying goodnight to her.
I have survived every day not looking into the same blue eyes that I have.
I have not only survived one minute, one day, but 197 days without her.
Some people may see a daughter grieving for her mother. But I see myself as a survivor. I have survived.

When people don't understand you.