Today (September 23rd) is known as Bisexual Visibility Day. And I could not let this day end without talking about it. While walking down the street with the haircut I have and the clothes I wear most people would assume that I am a lesbian. That's cool and all, but why do we have to assume instead of asking the person? I have had people both inside of the LGBTQ+ community and outside of it make jokes or saying that I am "half gay" so aggravating!
So on this post I have gathered the most frequently asked questions people have asked me since I have been out, and hopefully, this will educate people about a person who is Bisexual.
Q: What does being “bisexual” mean?
Like most identities, being “bisexual” or “bi” can mean different things to different people. The conventional definition of being “bisexual” is to be sexually attracted to both men and women. Some folks use “bisexual” as an umbrella term to describe being attracted to people beyond one gender.
Q: Are you attracted to women or men more? Or is it 50/50?
On sunny days, women. On rainy days, men. Just kidding. It depends on the person I meet. Duh, people. Look at this handy chart below.
Q: What’s the difference between “bisexual” and “queer?”
“Queer” is often described as an umbrella term, but again, it means different things to different people. For me, it means being outside of the heterosexist norm — I also see it as a movement, a community, with a hint of radical flavor and a heavy dose of fearlessness. I most often like to identify as “bisexual,” not because I believe there are only two genders, but because I think bisexual invisibility/erasure is all too real. I like to claim the identity to increase visibility for folks who don’t fit into the L/G categories and to take up space. So if I'm at a gay pride event I am more likely to say that I am queer, then the questions just end there.
Q: How about “pansexual?”
I got asked this question by my sister just after I came out. I tried to use that word just a few times and that identity name just didn't sit with me. Bisexual just felt like the right box for me.
Q: When did you know you were bi/queer?
I didn't have the vocabulary to even know what Bisexual really was until I went to high school and a friend of mine came out as Bisexual. But now that I have been out for a few years and I am more mature I can see when certain events that I could have caught on faster about my sexuality. I was 13 when I was bi-curious but had no idea what I was feeling, and growing up in a very religious community I thought of myself as sinful. By the time I was 16 I for sure knew that I was Bisexual but I was never going to tell anybody... 9 years later, totally did and it was the best thing I could have done for myself
Q: Is being bisexual just a phase people go through until they decide to be gay or lesbian?
No! People thinking this is just a “phase” is deeply hurtful. It denies my desire that spans multiple gender identities and makes me feel like I am not a whole person. It’s as if someone is telling me I’m still “figuring it out,” when actually, I have it figured out! Saying bisexuality is not a real identity or calling bisexuals “fence-sitters” is offensive and invalidates a big part of who I am and who I’ve always been.
Q: When do you bring it up when you are dating someone?
Depends on the person. It’s usually something that comes up or I bring up on the first 1–2 dates. I’ve ended dates after learning the other person is not comfortable with me being bi/queer. I’ve also ended dates after hearing biphobic remarks (“oh that’s hot” is amongst my favorites. NOT).
Q: Are you a lesbian now that you’re dating a woman?
Nope, still bisexual and that won't ever change.
Q: What are some examples of biphobia?
Believing bisexuality isn’t a legitimate identity (e.g., “it’s a phase” “he’s actually gay” “you can’t be a fence-sitter. Choose!”)
Assuming someone’s identity based on sexual or dating history, or current partner’s gender/sex
Calling bisexuals “allies” to the LGBT community
Assuming everyone is either gay or straight
Believing bisexual people are confused or trying to “decide”
Erasing bisexual people from the broader LGBTQ movement and struggles
Thinking bisexual people are “half-oppressed” or have it “easier” than lesbian and gay people
Sexualizing bi women or thinking bi women are seeking attention from men
Telling bisexuals that we have “double the options” — no, we don’t
Not dating bisexual people because you think they’re going to leave for another gender; thinking bisexual people can’t be monogamous
Thinking bisexual people are attracted to everyone
Assuming all bisexual people want threesomes. GAH!
Q: When did you know you were bi/queer?
I didn't have the vocabulary to even know what Bisexual really was until I went to high school and a friend of mine came out as Bisexual. But now that I have been out for a few years and I am more mature I can see when certain events that I could have caught on faster about my sexuality. I was 13 when I was bi-curious but had no idea what I was feeling, and growing up in a very religious community I thought of myself as sinful. By the time I was 16 I for sure knew that I was Bisexual but I was never going to tell anybody... 9 years later, totally did and it was the best thing I could have done for myself
Q: Is being bisexual just a phase people go through until they decide to be gay or lesbian?
No! People thinking this is just a “phase” is deeply hurtful. It denies my desire that spans multiple gender identities and makes me feel like I am not a whole person. It’s as if someone is telling me I’m still “figuring it out,” when actually, I have it figured out! Saying bisexuality is not a real identity or calling bisexuals “fence-sitters” is offensive and invalidates a big part of who I am and who I’ve always been.
Q: When do you bring it up when you are dating someone?
Depends on the person. It’s usually something that comes up or I bring up on the first 1–2 dates. I’ve ended dates after learning the other person is not comfortable with me being bi/queer. I’ve also ended dates after hearing biphobic remarks (“oh that’s hot” is amongst my favorites. NOT).
Q: Are you a lesbian now that you’re dating a woman?
Nope, still bisexual and that won't ever change.
Q: What are some examples of biphobia?
Believing bisexuality isn’t a legitimate identity (e.g., “it’s a phase” “he’s actually gay” “you can’t be a fence-sitter. Choose!”)
Assuming someone’s identity based on sexual or dating history, or current partner’s gender/sex
Calling bisexuals “allies” to the LGBT community
Assuming everyone is either gay or straight
Believing bisexual people are confused or trying to “decide”
Erasing bisexual people from the broader LGBTQ movement and struggles
Thinking bisexual people are “half-oppressed” or have it “easier” than lesbian and gay people
Sexualizing bi women or thinking bi women are seeking attention from men
Telling bisexuals that we have “double the options” — no, we don’t
Not dating bisexual people because you think they’re going to leave for another gender; thinking bisexual people can’t be monogamous
Thinking bisexual people are attracted to everyone
Assuming all bisexual people want threesomes. GAH!
