My video is COMING OUT!!

I have finally decided to do this video because I love who I am. Everyone should love themselves no matter who they are.

https://youtu.be/exyZgbgDa3Y

I've survived

It's been 6 months since my beautiful Mama passed away. A couple weeks ago a co-worker asked me, "Ash, what would your mama think if she saw you like this" ? I politely said while being shocked I would say, "Mama I have existed without you". A couple of days after I talk to my little sister Holly and she had the perfect answer. She said that we have survived. I completely agree.

Since Mom has passed I have survived 29 Thursdays without her.
I've survived what should have been 24 mama and me Tuesday's without her.
I am survived every night not holding her hand in mine.
I have survived every night not saying goodnight to her.
I have survived every day not looking into the same blue eyes that I have.
I have not only survived one minute, one day, but 197 days without her.
Some people may see a daughter grieving for her mother. But I see myself as a survivor. I have survived.

When people don't understand you.

Birthday Blues and Blessings.

This birthday was the first one without my beautiful Mama. I never thought it would come to this day but it had. On that day I went looking for any pictures I could find of her and I on my birthday. After a couple hours of searching, I couldn't find any. She was probably the one that was taking the pictures. In my frustration I sat in the corner of the office room, and cried.
I cried out, "Mommy, why don't I have any pictures of us when I was little? You were always there for the big events in my life but I don't have the pictures to look at. I know you didn't like your picture taken and I get that but since I can't see you now I really need the pictures".

After I had wiped away my tears and composed myself I had this thought in my mind to look through my picture album one more time. And on the first page I looked at these pictures differently. They were of the day I was born, my technically first birthday. I started smiling to myself, that was the only real pictures I needed over her and I on my birthday because then I saw it through her eyes.

So Mommy, I wrote you a letter in my heart and now I am writing it down.
"Dear, Mom,
It's my Birthday today, but you already knew that. I miss you more today than I did yesterday, and probably will miss you even more tomorrow. I found the pictures of us on the day I was born. And can I just say Mom, you looked very beautiful. You looked so drained and exhausted from what your body and just been through. And yet, relieved and rejuvenated because after years of the tears, pain, and asking God to grant you a child, you finally had your miracle. It wasn't until after you had passed that Dad finally told me how many times you cried your self to sleep hoping God would hear your prayers. And how your body had to endure so much just so Holly and I could be here. And for that Mom, I love you even more. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and for giving me life."

So now my birthday had went from sadness of missing mom, to understanding how much I was blessed to have such an amazing woman to give me life.