May The Force Be With Her

Today has been a very sad day for the Star Wars fandom. We lost our Princess Leia, actress Carrie Fisher today at the age of 60. She was not just known as Leia in Star Wars, but also as an advocate for mental illness awareness.
When Holly and I where children and there came a thunderstorm, we would set up a blanket fort and sit underneath and watch the Star Wars movies while mom worked away at her desk. After some time of hearing us laughing and screaming in delight, she would come out and watch the movies with us. She would always tell us that the princess was her favorite character. One year I asked her why? She said because this princes did not need a man to save her. She was going to save herself. After everything she had gone through she was still as strong as ever.

I remember meeting Carrie almost two years ago at Comic-Con and how excited I was to finally meet one of my idols. I had bought the autograph voucher and decided to stay in line while my friend went off and did her own thing at the venue. I was the youngest girl in the line that stretched for what seemed like a mile. In the backpack that I had brought with me to the event was one of moms most treasured movie sets. It was the VHS Trilogy set that my dad had bought her one year for Christmas. I knew what I was going to do with it. I had to get it signed by Carrie for Mom for her Mother's Day gift. I knew it was going to be something that my mom would treasure forever  because like me, Princess Leia was also her Idol. I stood in line for a total of 3 hours and never once was discouraged. One way or another, I was going to get her autograph for my Mama. When it was finally my turn to meet her, I almost stood frozen. I was so nervous to meet the lady who stood for so many things. I finally got up the nerve and stood in front of her and just gazed. First thing out of my mouth was, "you were the perfect woman to play Princess Leia". She smiled and then said, "anybody can be a princess, even a cute girl like you". Instantly my heart and smile beamed with pride. She then said that she hadn't seen a VHS set for many years and held it and studied it carefully. I then told her that it belongs to my mom and that she was in a nursing home. She then gave me a sad smile, the same one I had seen many people give me once I told them about my mom. But the thing that resonated with me is what she said after "may the force be with her" she whispered to me as she put the glitter on my face as I had seen her do to other fans before me. I said my thank yous and moved on clutching the series that had given me so many of my childhood memories.

Every girl wanted to be Princess Leia. A princess, and a badass. Carrie Fisher did all of these things well, and now that she's no longer here, May The Force Be With Her.

Electoral Blues

November is an important month of the year. All months are of course, but in certain years, there a are November's they are more important. This year, we have a big decision to make.... Who do we want as our next president? I know some people who just write it off and say that their voices don't count - it's totally fine that is your opinion. I know other people who vote because it is their civic duty as citizens of this great nation to do so.

My parents are those kind of people.

Every election year our parents would take us to the voting precincts, and we would stand in the old boxes and watch as our parents punched the holes into the paper. Mom was always the one who would take the longest (it felt like and eternity sometimes) and I would just stare at her. Even as a child, I could tell that my mom was taking her time to really think of who she was going to vote for. And after a sigh or a few head scratches, she would move on to the next person she had to vote for. Once both were finished, they would return their ballots and receive their stickers and as soon as they put it on, they had a smile on their faces. 

It wasn't until I turned 18 and voted for my first time that I understood what it meant. You are excited to put on that sticker, no matter who you voted for. You know that your voice has been heard and that your vote counts for something. And you once you put on that sticker, the sticker that has our Nation's flag on it that says 'I voted' that you smile and know what you have done for not just the country, but for generations to come.

This year is no different. We have been hearing campaign ads after campaign ad, so many that we are all sick of them. Every candidate has told us why we should vote for them, and why not to vote for their opponents. And sometimes I'll just say, between any party, it can get down right mean. 

I'm glad my parents taught my sister and I this foundation of what it meant to be an American. That we had the right, to vote for who we pleased. And this year, more than ever, I took more time to think of who I would want to be the leader of our Nation. 

In some ways right before we could start voting this year, it seemed like our country was totally divided on who we were going to vote for. Hopefully, after this day, we can all stand together in unison and support our next president, whomever it may be.

And of course the perfect thing to end this blog would be a nerd quote; "May the odds ever be in your favor". ~ Effie Trinket

My video is COMING OUT!!

I have finally decided to do this video because I love who I am. Everyone should love themselves no matter who they are.

https://youtu.be/exyZgbgDa3Y

I've survived

It's been 6 months since my beautiful Mama passed away. A couple weeks ago a co-worker asked me, "Ash, what would your mama think if she saw you like this" ? I politely said while being shocked I would say, "Mama I have existed without you". A couple of days after I talk to my little sister Holly and she had the perfect answer. She said that we have survived. I completely agree.

Since Mom has passed I have survived 29 Thursdays without her.
I've survived what should have been 24 mama and me Tuesday's without her.
I am survived every night not holding her hand in mine.
I have survived every night not saying goodnight to her.
I have survived every day not looking into the same blue eyes that I have.
I have not only survived one minute, one day, but 197 days without her.
Some people may see a daughter grieving for her mother. But I see myself as a survivor. I have survived.

When people don't understand you.

Birthday Blues and Blessings.

This birthday was the first one without my beautiful Mama. I never thought it would come to this day but it had. On that day I went looking for any pictures I could find of her and I on my birthday. After a couple hours of searching, I couldn't find any. She was probably the one that was taking the pictures. In my frustration I sat in the corner of the office room, and cried.
I cried out, "Mommy, why don't I have any pictures of us when I was little? You were always there for the big events in my life but I don't have the pictures to look at. I know you didn't like your picture taken and I get that but since I can't see you now I really need the pictures".

After I had wiped away my tears and composed myself I had this thought in my mind to look through my picture album one more time. And on the first page I looked at these pictures differently. They were of the day I was born, my technically first birthday. I started smiling to myself, that was the only real pictures I needed over her and I on my birthday because then I saw it through her eyes.

So Mommy, I wrote you a letter in my heart and now I am writing it down.
"Dear, Mom,
It's my Birthday today, but you already knew that. I miss you more today than I did yesterday, and probably will miss you even more tomorrow. I found the pictures of us on the day I was born. And can I just say Mom, you looked very beautiful. You looked so drained and exhausted from what your body and just been through. And yet, relieved and rejuvenated because after years of the tears, pain, and asking God to grant you a child, you finally had your miracle. It wasn't until after you had passed that Dad finally told me how many times you cried your self to sleep hoping God would hear your prayers. And how your body had to endure so much just so Holly and I could be here. And for that Mom, I love you even more. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and for giving me life."

So now my birthday had went from sadness of missing mom, to understanding how much I was blessed to have such an amazing woman to give me life.