I'm not okay, but I will be someday.

Grief is a very strange emotion. It hits people at different times in their lives, in certain

situations. And out of nowhere it sneaks up on you without warning. Someone with Autism (like me)

might show grief differently. If a situation comes up that derails my plans, I

make up my mind that I can fix the problem and that I’ll be fine. Death is the one thing I can’t

change- it’s the one thing that I can’t fix and make it so that “I’ll be fine”. Death in inevitable; we will

all die in the end. When we die, we won't be the ones suffering. It will be the ones we have left behind.

When my mom's dad passed away almost 10 years ago, I didn’t cry for a few weeks. It

wasn’t the first grandparent I had lost, but it was the last grandparent on my mom's side. I knew that

my mom was taking it so hard. She cried to us one day and said, “I’m now an orphan”. Seeing and

hearing my mom cry was so heartbreaking. So, I decided I had to be the strong one for her; I

wouldn’t cry because she needed me. She started worrying about me and my emotions and

what was I not telling her. She always knew I would process and analyze my emotions before I

talked about them.

I remember this memory so vividly. The family went up to the Franklin Cemetery where

both of my grandparents were now buried. Dad and Holly had already gone to the car and mom and I

were standing over their graves. Mom asked me, “Boo, are you okay”? Of course I’m

not okay- I’m 16 years old and have lost both of my grandparents on your side. I see you crying

every night for your parents and I don’t know how to help you. And yet I said, “Yeah Mom, I’m okay.”

Mom: “Then why haven’t I seen you cry?”

Me: “There is no point in crying. I can’t cry in front of you Mom. Holly and I are being the strong girls

you need.”

Mom stood there looking at me and sighed, and then said the words that I have taken to heart

since she has passed: “I need to see you cry sweetheart. Then I know that you are going to be okay.

Once she had almost given me the permission, I started to cry as Mom held me up.

Now as I stand over my own Mom's grave, at the mere age of 25, I hold it in most of the times.

Until I hear the chimes in the tree right by her. Then I start to cry. I don’t cry for you Mom- I know that

you are okay, I cry for the people you left behind.

I cry for the husband that loved you for the past 28 years who misses his other half. I cry for my

sister who didn't get to have you as I have and has had to grow up faster than anyone ever

should. I cry for your siblings who had to say goodbye to their baby sister. I cry for your future

grandchildren who will never be held by you in this life.

But mostly, I cry for myself. I cry because I miss the times that we have shared and I want to

relive those. I cry for the future, and how you won't be there to hold my hand or wipe away my

tears. I cry because I miss not only my mom, but I also miss my best friend.

And right now I am crying writing this post. And I know you see me cry, and you know that I'll be

okay, eventually.

Choose the road you want to be on, and enjoy the ride!

A couple of weeks ago my Dad, sister and I went camping with our grandparents. It's starting to become our annual summer vacation with them and we love it. What Holly and I find most memorable is when we go fishing with our Grandpa. 

Well this year was no different. We got up, ate breakfast and grabbed our fishing gear and headed out to the shore. We had to hike a ways to get to our destination, and we had to carry our own supplies.
We all started out at the same pace and walking with each other. Then I started slowing down due to the bucket I was carrying kept hitting the bigger rocks. A few minutes I noticed that my sister and Grandpa were yards away from me. I then decided instead of going the same route as they did, I went on my own route and was able to catch up to them in no time.

 
This had me thinking metaphorically (which I tend to do quite a bit), in my life I look around and feel like I am always the last person to catch on to something or to catch up.

After that I started thinking about it in a different way. Yes, it seemed like I was always playing catch up to people, but maybe everyone else thinks that as well. We were all dealt with certain challenges and difficulties in our lives, and sometimes we are just trying to survive.

We also take different paths in our lives. There are some things we choose, and some things that are just out of our hands. But with the path we choose, we also get to shape our lives the way we want to.

In this past year I have chosen the path that was always meant for me but was worried about what other people would think of me. I now look at it and I am more free and I can be who I really want to be. We all have our own paths in life, isn't the most important thing to remember to enjoy it? The ride won't last forever, so make the most of it.

Loving yourself.

It has been just over a month since I came out about my sexuality on my blog. It was so terrifying, yet very rewarding. It is the hardest thing a person has to do, but it is so worth it. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be true to who you are. I can finally be myself, and finally get to be free.

What I would tell my 18 year old self

A couple of days ago I went to my younger cousin, Meg's high school graduation. Throughout the ceremony I kept thinking about my own graduation, and how little I knew about what the future was going to hold for me. So, if I could look at my 18 year old self on her graduation day and give her some advice, it would be this:

° Life is going to be hard, but because it is hard, you are going to become such a strong woman.

° You actually do like children, and you will find that out very soon.

° You aren't going to go into the Nursing field like you have wanted to, but you are going into a profession that is going to brighten the future of generations to come. And you will love working every day with children.

° You are going to grow up really, really fast and you will stumble. But you are going to stand up, brush yourself off and keep going.

° Your sister will indeed become one of your bestest friends, and sometimes the only one around to see you cry. Let her in, she is more mature than you think.

° Your life really is just beginning, so live a little.

° Don't let what the bullies said about you in high school have an affect on you. Don't think about suicide, not even once.

° You will actually be able to someday embrace that you have Autism. Not just that, but you are going to change the face of what people think Autism looks like.

° You are going to flunk out of college. Once. This will make you more determined in your schooling, and the reward even better.

° You are going to make some wonderful friends. Most of them you will work with at one point or another, and they will make you laugh and help you liven up a bit.

° Mom won't be at your graduation tonight. And yes, you will be mad at her because you feel abandoned. But the truth is she is suffering from something called Multiple Sclerosis and it's starting to affect her now.

° Mom will go into a nursing home right before this Christmas, but this will help you realize how important your family is to you.

° You will realize how supportive your family really is of you.

° On your 25th birthday you are going to realize that you can't hold in your sexuality anymore. It will not be easy, it's the hardest thing you will have to say. But you need to do it. You need acceptance.

° Most of your friends will be very supportive of you coming out to them and will still love you.

° You will have a couple of "friends"  that don't support you, because, according to them," it isn't possible to like both men and women." 

° And on June 7th, 2015, you are going to fully come out on your blog. You have embraced your sexuality and are okay being bisexual.

° But most importantly, you are going to finally be free.

So, 18 year old self, this is life, 7 years in the future. And you kind of like it.

Ending Autism Awareness Month with a good vibe.

Another Autism Awareness Month Has Come To a Close: https://youtu.be/QnvO4UGWvYU

What would I want people to know about Autism